Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, etiquette, culture, relationships, grooming and more.

RN: I'm so bummed. Our census materials arrived yesterday, and it was the short form. Just 10 questions. Bor-ring.

CP: I guess the long form that so many people got at Y2K time has gone the way of a nation at peace. This year, nearly everyone is receiving just the 10-question form. I got out a nice new ballpoint to begin checking all those boxes, and I was done in one minute. Unlike a few wingnut friends who say they won't "cooperate" with the census, I wanted to divulge everything to the federal government.

RN: I know. Ask away, right? "Oversharing" is my middle name. I'm only too happy to cooperate. Besides, it's my patriotic duty.

CP: Don't the Feds need to know how many sweaters I own? Which Pet Shop Boys CDs I bought in the past year? About my Huguenot heritage? My bookmarks? My moisturizer? Ask me about myself, and I'll just go on and on.

RN: You and every other reality TV-obsessed American. I do find it interesting that married same-sex couples will be tallied for the first time. Will the numbers match up to the combined totals of the subscribers to Men's Health and the members of the LPGA?

CP: Since only six states have legalized gay marriage, it won't add up to a hill of artisanal beans. Here's an idea for a census question: "You gay?"

RN: I don't quite get the people who twist their panties into a bundle over the census. It's mandated in the U.S. Constitution, for crying out loud. I'm not crazy about my fellow citizens carrying portable automatic weapons -- the kind that could have laid waste to half of King George III's redcoats in a few clips -- but hey, that whole Second Amendment right-to-keep-and-bear-arms thing pretty much shuts me up.

CP: I feel the same way about Internet privacy. When I hear people go on about how Google's going to know which undies I bought, or my employer's tracking all my e-mails, I think, in the immortal words of Alfred E. Neuman, "What, me worry?"

RN: In your case, I just might.

CP: In Google's case, who cares? Re: my employer, staff reductions here have left no one standing who'd have time to keep up with my daily e-torrent.

RN: Privacy is so 2007 anyway.

CP: And the census is just for Democrats, right?

RN: It makes you wonder what the Next Great Ridiculous Partisan Divide will be. God bless America.

E-mail: witheringglance@startribune.com.

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