Ask Amy: Brother is one to stifle talk about his past

By AMY DICKINSON

Last update: November 13, 2009 - 5:20 PM

Dear Amy: My husband and I will be celebrating Thanksgiving at my daughter and son-in-law's house, mostly with his family. My brother (an alcoholic who is sober) will be coming with his girlfriend of a year.

I've only met this girlfriend once. At that time, a lot of the conversation was about my brother's past, how people where they work were discouraging her from dating him, etc. Even though it was just family at dinner, I was embarrassed for my brother and frankly didn't want to hear it. I've been through too much with my brother as it is.

My question is whether I should say something to his girlfriend about not talking about his past -- or should I just hope that it doesn't happen again?

SHAMEFACED SISTER

Amy says: Every couple has a story. However this story strikes you, your brother's past belongs mainly to him. He gets to fold, spindle and mutilate it -- or share it at 12-step meetings or Thanksgiving dinner. If his girlfriend's over-sharing embarrasses him, then he should handle it.

This brother may have pulled you through the knothole, but part of his recovery experience will be to try to take responsibility for his actions, seek amends and repair his relationships where he can. If the conversation takes a turn you don't enjoy, you can try your best to turn it around. "These mashed potatoes are so creamy!" is one way to start.

Job offer causes rift

Dear Amy: A few months ago I received a call from a recruiter representing a company I wanted to work for. I was so excited. One of the first things I did was to tell my very good friend about the opportunity. After three interviews, the company decided that it wanted to continue looking at other candidates. I was extremely disappointed.

I told my friend about the outcome and then a few weeks later he said he would be getting an offer for the job I was going for. I didn't even know he was interviewing! I am happy for him, but disappointed that he did not let me know he was interested in the position. He said he didn't realize it was the same job I went after.

I feel betrayed, and I don't think I can ever feel the same way about our friendship. Your thoughts?

FEELING WEIRD

Amy says: Presumably you were turned down for the job before your friend interviewed for the position. He has no obligation to stay away from jobs you've already been passed over for, but he does have an obligation to be honest with you. Unless job-oriented superstition or a nondisclosure agreement prevented him from telling you about this (a possibility), he should have at least given you a heads-up about this.

Reader: No tip for takeout

Dear Amy: I disagree with your response to "Tipping," who was wondering whether to tip a restaurant for large takeout orders. Your response was, "If you have a relationship with a restaurant that regularly prepares large orders for you, correctly and in a timely fashion, you should reward the good service with a modest tip when you pick up the food." Are you kidding?

You tip a waiter or busboy when these people spend the time and effort waiting on you. You tip a delivery person for bringing the food to you.

But tipping when you pick up the food? It's as absurd as tipping the grocery cashier!

More appropriately, the restaurant should offer a discount or some other "thank you" because of the loyal and repeat business!

SARAH

Amy says: I usually tip when I pick up a large order and now I can't figure out why. From now on, China Garden, you'll be tipping me!

Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Av., Chicago, IL 60611.

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