Ask Amy: Being taken for son's grandpa irks dad, 58

By AMY DICKINSON

Last update: November 11, 2009 - 1:02 PM

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Dear Amy: I was extremely fortunate to have had a baby boy with my second wife while in my late 50s.

Never have I been so happy -- with my beautiful 14-month-old boy -- and I consider myself very fortunate indeed.

I'm the stay-at-home professional artist dad, while my wife has the traditional "husband" role.

When I'm at the supermarket, the library or the playground, everyone assumes that my son is my grandchild, and tells me so.

I'm very offended by that quick pronouncement of my status.

I certainly do not look like a 58-year-old, but I don't look in my early 30s, either.

We live in a sexist and ageist culture, where if an older man is with a boy, the assumption is that he is retired and a grandfather.

I don't ever assume that a larger woman is pregnant, but I have assumed that an older woman is a grandmother, although I keep those assumptions to myself.

I would like your take on possible responses without sounding irritated.

Or am I just a little too sensitive?

FRUSTRATED FATHER

Amy says: According to you, we live in a "sexist and ageist" culture, and yet you have a wife who is also a "husband" and are the lucky dad to a baby while in your late 50s.

I don't quite understand your pain because -- at least the way you present it -- you hit the jackpot, my friend.

I don't know many women in their late 50s, for instance, who are lucky enough to give birth to babies with their (presumably much younger) spouses.

I also don't quite know what a 58-year-old is supposed to look like. I've looked 58 since I was in my 30s, but evidently looking your age is also something you don't feel comfortable about.

You need to get a sense of humor about this because it is a fact of your life, and you (and especially your son) will be dealing with this forever.

You can say, "Oh -- I'm not his grandpa, I'm his dad! At this rate, I won't become a grandfather until I'm 105!"

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Av., Chicago, IL 60611.