Girl should ask friend, tell parents about hitting

By AMY DICKINSON

Last update: November 2, 2009 - 8:35 PM

Dear Amy: I'm a 12-year-old kid, and recently, when I was talking to one of my friends, she told me that her parents hit her.

I expressed my surprise, and she told me hitting was normal in her culture -- she's African-American.

She said it's just discipline.

She then told me that her mom once beat her in an Ikea store with a scrub brush.

I feel I should tell someone, but I'm afraid that this will break off a really good friendship.

What should I do?

CONFLICTED IN MARYLAND

Amy says: I don't think hitting is "normal" in any particular culture, but hitting, striking or spanking is used as a form of punishment in various families.

I agree with you that -- no matter what you call it -- hitting is wrong; furthermore violence is not an effective form of discipline.

People respond differently to being hit, depending on how the punishment is given. A parent who beats a child with a scrub brush in a store isn't in control of her anger, and even if your friend thinks this is normal, to me it sounds painful and humiliating.

You should ask your friend how she feels about being punished in this way. Don't box her into a corner where she feels she needs to defend her parents, but because you are her friend, it's OK to ask.

You should also speak to your parents. They may suggest speaking with the school counselor. I agree with your instinct to tell an adult when you're faced with a dilemma. Grown-ups don't always know what to do, but we definitely want to help.

Keep mum on mistake

Dear Amy: It has been a few months since I went on vacation without my boyfriend.

Before I left, things between us were not good. I was unsure how he was feeling about me and was not too happy with my own life.

The trip was good, and the time spent apart was eye-opening. Now things are wonderful, but one thing nags me.

While I was gone I had too much to drink one night, walked off with a guy and allowed him to kiss me. It was very brief, and then it was over. I was so intoxicated I don't really remember the whole situation.

I haven't told my boyfriend, and it bothers me. Should I communicate this to him if we are to have an open and honest relationship?

Or should I just move on?

CONFUSED

Amy says: There's a reason the catchphrase "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" has caught on. Some things don't need to be dredged up, and I suggest you can have an open and honest relationship without discussing this.

Something similar might have happened to your boyfriend. Would you want to know about it?

This was a mistake. Your choice to drink to the point that you don't really remember what happened means that you placed yourself in an extremely vulnerable and potentially dangerous situation.

This is the aspect of your behavior you should review and promise not to repeat. You should move on.

Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Av., Chicago, IL 60611.