Keep gift for returns later

By AMY DICKINSON

Last update: October 31, 2009 - 2:18 PM

Dear Amy: I have been coaching basketball at the grade-school level for 12 years. This past season was my last.

All the parents contributed to a gift as they usually do. Since this year was a bigger "thank you," instead of money, they picked out an expensive gold bracelet for me. However, it is not my style.

While I am very thankful for the gesture, I really would prefer to exchange it or just return it and keep the money.

Could I do this without offending the gift-givers, or should I just keep it?

CURIOUS COACH

Amy says: The bracelet is yours, and you can do what you want with it, but I would urge you to see this differently.

While these parents surely want you to be happy, if they know you are returning the gift for the money, they'll be hurt.

If you kept it, every time you looked at the bracelet, you would remember the spirit in which it was offered; the money would be gone and forgotten in a flash.

Couple play name games

Dear Amy: My husband and I each married for the second time and each have two children from the previous marriage. We've been married for seven years.

I was a single parent for 15 years before marrying again. I kept my former husband's surname after divorce because it was also my children's name.

When I remarried, I legally changed my last name to that of my current husband's. I do, however, maintain two personal accounts (not joint) on which I am using both last names (hyphenated).

What is making me crazy is that my now-husband continues to call his former father-in-law "Dad," with whom he has a distant professional relationship.

When I suggest that he call FIL by his first name, he becomes extremely defensive and says that as long as I get mail directed to me using the hyphenated last names, he will continue to call FIL "Dad."

Am I wrong? It bothers me immensely.

DENVER, COLORADO

Amy says: Your husband has this much right: Both of you are essentially expressing your hurt and anger over an ongoing connection to a long-ago former spouse.

Unless there are definite legal reasons for you to use your other married name when banking, why do you?

You could say, "Wow. This isn't really rational, but I can see that my using this name hurts you. My reaction to this 'Dad' thing isn't really rational, either, but it hurts me, too. How about we both make the change?"

Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com.

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