Withering Glance: The care and handling of one's exes

By Rick Nelson and Claude Peck, Star Tribune

Last update: June 12, 2009 - 4:53 PM

RN: Riddle me this, Claude. Your exes, and how you view them: Are they segued to the "friend" pile? Do they get the all-teeth-no-eyes smile when you bump into them at Moose & Sadie's with their sickeningly handsome new boyfriend? Or are they dead to you?

CP: Wow, it sounds like you have been through each of these stages with your myriad exes. I prefer becoming friends. This is a smallish town, and one doesn't want to keep bumping into an enemy. But the ex-as- amigo thing doesn't always work out, and it's never happened right away.

RN: It's probably not advisable or viable to transition from hot-and-heavy to air kisses in the time it takes Gabrielle Anwar to lock and load an AK-47 on an episode of "Burn Notice." But your policy of maintaining some semblance of affection seems healthy to me. And so adult. And so gay.

CP: Oh, yeah, that's me -- Mr. Mature. You were not granting me any "grown-up" points after that breakup some years back that found me curled in the fetal position on the floor in front of the stereo, where for weeks all I could do was push "replay" on a deadly bouquet of sad, angry pop songs.

RN: You and I both know that a breakup is the worst possible reason to tune into Delilah on Dubya-Lite, but every dead-in-its-tracks relationship deserves a mourning period. Still, you've been kind to that particular ex in the intervening years. Just be sure he doesn't matriculate into the "friends with benefits" pile. Trouble.

CP: Hey, in this economy, any kind of benefits package is desirable.

RN: I hear you. Maybe because our people can't legally wed in 44 states -- go, New Hampshire -- I wonder if we value civility in our breakups and leave the ugly legal dust-ups to the hets.

CP: You can be civil and still hate the person's guts. Which, of course, is a very Minnesotan approach. What's it been for you?

RN: From this 100 percent Minnesotan? Just ask my exes. Actually, that's not true. I'm Facebook friends with one, and I occasionally chat on the phone with another, although his voice frequently bears traces of exasperation and dread when he realizes that I'm on the other end of the horn. But he's a Minnesotan, born and raised, so that explains that.

CP: I have an ex or two who now have stellar boyfriends, and I enjoy hanging out with them as a couple. There's a nice feeling of closeness with no jealousy. Does this make me French?

RN: No, just you.

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