We know you’re out there, Fair Haters. You don’t talk about it for fear of a citizens’ arrest on charges of social treason, but some of you have an aversion to the Great Minnesota Get-So-Close-Together. For you — and the hundreds of thousands who have already sated their deep-fried desires — we offer a few non-fair options this weekend.
1 Tubing the Apple River: This weekend is the last chance of the season for a float down the Apple River, just an hour’s drive east in New Richmond, Wis. It’s as time-honored a summer pastime as riding Ye Old Mill at the fair, but a lot more fun. (Reserve at www.appleriver.com or call 1-715-247-3305.)
2 Lisa Lampanelli: She’s loud, she’s fearless, she’s polarizing and she’s back. The queen of crude comedy will rip up the stage and everyone near it at Mystic Lake Casino. Make eye contact at your own risk. (8 p.m. Sat., $59, 952-445-9000 or Ticketmaster.com.)
3 ‘Now’ at the MIA: Don’t miss the Minneapolis Institute of Arts’ “It’s New, It’s Now,” which closes Sunday. It’s a chance to see a wide swath of prints and drawings by more than 60 contemporary artists, much of it donated by Twin Cities collectors. Jim Dine, Roy Lichtenstein and Chuck Close may never have won blue ribbons at the fair, but they’re well worth a look. (10 a.m.-5 p.m. Fri.-Sat., 11-5 Sun. $14. 612-870-3000 or www.artsmia.org.)
4 Free music from ‘Tuku’: The Cedar Cultural Center kicks off a month of 25th-anniversary concerts with a free show by Oliver Mtukudzi & the Black Spirits. A chart-topping star in his native Zimbabwe and throughout southern Africa, Mtukudzi blends several styles of that region to create his own “Tuku Music.” (7:30 p.m. Sun., 612-338-2674 or www.thecedar.org.)
5 Wiener dog races at Canterbury: Dash, hounds, dash. On Monday, 72 wiener dogs will furiously pound their paws down the track at Canterbury Park, vying for the title of Champion Shorty. The canine action, featuring several qualifying heats before the big race, will be folded in between the regular horse races starting at 1:30 p.m. ($5, free for ages 17 and under, 952-445-7223 or CanterburyPark.com.)