Dawg! Idol is back!

For the past three years, I've been waiting for America to come to its senses. And no, I'm not talking about anything political. I'm talking about "American Idol."

Fox TV's unstoppable gawk-fest of a show has been by far the No. 1-rated series on U.S. television for its past three seasons, despite the almost inarguable fact that -- after its previous three seasons -- it became as repetitious and predictable as an episode of "Three's Company" (coincidentally or not, the top show of 1979).

Those of us who hate or are just plain bored to death with "Idol" always think/hope/pray that this season will finally be the one where it tanks. But it never happens. Our wishes are even more of a pipe dream this year, since the current Hollywood writers' strike is accomplishing what "Idol" set out to do: abolishing all shows of substance from U.S. television.

I understand there are a lot of people who genuinely enjoy "Idol" as entertainment. This article is not for them. God bless, I hope you enjoy this season.

But I also believe there are as many "Idol" viewers -- and maybe even more -- who tune in simply out of habit or because there's nothing else on TV. Other networks are as scared as a passenger in Paula Abdul's car when it comes to the "Idol" time slot. They never air anything of real value opposite the Goliath series, so it becomes a vicious circle.

For all of those halfhearted "Idol" viewers, here are some legitimate reasons to finally break the curse and tune out as the seventh season kicks off tonight. Let's make this the year that Simon Cowell finally cowers. I'm tired of sitting by and waiting idly.

1. Randy Jackson is the reason people are going around calling each other "Dog." This simply must stop now.

2. The laughs are on you during the auditions. The first month of each season is all about people wanting to laugh at the most god-awful "Idol" wannabes. We know that the auditions are mostly a put-on, though, after they came to Minneapolis last year: The bad and the ugly and very few of the good singers were intentionally plucked from the crowd to be shown on TV, and some of them seemed to be very good actors at showing very bad talent. So who's laughing at whom?

3. Our snow will have melted by the time the top 10 are revealed. Like presidential campaigns, the buildup to the "Idol" finals gets longer and longer each go-round. Tonight's and Wednesday's episodes will be stretched to two hours. The first Hollywood round isn't until Feb. 12. The final 10 lineup won't be whittled down until late March. That's almost three months of "Gong Show"-worthy singers.

4. Omaha: Oh-ma-gawd! Not that we Twin Citians care about being skipped over after last year's debacle, but even Nebraskans got their own auditions this year. That episode should be about as exciting as a drive through their state -- the long way through.

5. Save the true idols. Anybody who's a big fan of Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Elton John and Gwen Stefani has to admit it was painful watching them and/or their band members stoop to appearing on the show in past seasons. Kudos to local boys Prince and Brian Setzer, both of whom reportedly turned down "Idol." Let's hope no more true rock stars' images are tarnished.

6. "Tonight's celebrity guest judge: Britney Spears." You know it's bound to happen, you're bound to tune in, and like Spears after many of her one-night stands, you're bound to feel guilty about it in the morning.

7. Fantasia Barrino, Diana DeGarmo, Jasmine Trias, LaToya Hudson, George Huff and John Stevens. All those people won over future Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson ("Dreamgirls") in the third season. 'Nuff said.

8. Your other viewing options aren't all that bad. Tonight's offerings opposite "Idol" include the well-reviewed "Lonesome Dove" miniseries "Comanche Moon," new episodes of "One Tree Hill" and "NCIS," plus PBS's "Nova" presentation of "Absolute Zero," which explores, among other things, Clay Aiken's and Kelly Clarkson's career-comeback chances.

9. The list of Hollywood-bound contestants is out. What little suspense that's offered in this first two months has been spoiled by the spoilers. The names were leaked on the Internet. Insert evil-sounding "ha ha" here.

10. New this season: They sing and play instruments. Word is the contestants will be allowed to also perform on guitar, piano, etc., this season. Bad idea, but it beats Blake Lewis' beatboxing last year.

11. "American Idol," not the writers' strike, is why your TV is inundated with bad reality-TV shows this year. TV executives would have settled with the striking screenwriters long ago if "Idol" weren't still a mega-hit, telling them they can use the same script over and over and over. So even if you indulge in "Idol" as a guilty pleasure, think of it more as a gateway drug -- a small vice causing bigger evils.

12. One word: Daughtry.

Chris Riemenschneider • 612-673-4658