Laura Nielsen, a stay-at-home mother of two, vacuums every other day, steam mops the floors once a week and cleans the bathrooms twice a week. But it's the unmade beds and the occasional clutter and stacks of unfiled papers that fill Nielsen with feelings of guilt and worry that she is being judged by the cleanliness -- or lack thereof -- of her Champlin home.

Nielsen's anxiety, it turns out, is more the norm than not. A new study by the Working Mother Research Institute found that both working and stay-at-home moms feel guilty and judged over domestic dishevelment. Several Twin Cities moms reported similar feelings, saying the home is a direct reflection of themselves and their families.

"There's a lot of pressure to be supermom and accomplish everything," said Nielsen, who has a 7-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old son with cerebral palsy. "I've often encountered an old-fashioned attitude that at-home moms are a throwback to the 1950s mom who cleaned and cooked all day. ... The reality is most days -- between errands, doctor's appointments and therapy for my son, volunteering and having my own interests -- I'm not home to clean."

The survey of 3,781 moms nationwide found that 55 percent of working mothers and 44 percent of stay-at-home mothers feel guilty about the condition of the house. Adding to the guilt, mothers worry that others are judging them for their mess, according to 42 percent of working moms and 35 percent of at-home moms. More working mothers reported feeling guilty about unkempt homes than about spending enough time with their children.

"There's the worry that someone will stop by unannounced and make a comment that the house is messy," Nielsen said. "Even when it's spotless I still worry people will see that one thing I missed."

Guilt: A hard habit to break

Janet Glocker is a full-time elementary school teacher and can barely get dinner on the table, let alone scrub the toilets and mop the floors. So she hires a housekeeper twice a month to do the job for her. The result is a house that is cleaner than average, but even the occasional unmade bed or cluttered dresser would garner disconcerting looks from her in-laws, whom Glocker says are "the neatest people I've ever met."

Judgments from parents and others from older generations, and decades of societal messages -- cleaning commercials directed at women -- help reinforce outdated gender expectations of the "perfect house" that make it difficult for mothers to let go of the guilt, no matter how hard they try, experts say.

"When our parents come, we do what we call 'parental cleaning,' " Glocker said. "Everything has to look perfect. They have a high standard for what the house needs to look like."

Many of today's new mothers grew up with their own mothers working and handling most of the household chores, so they often mimic what they saw growing up, said Beth Quist, executive director of the Working Family Resource Center in St. Paul.

"We compare ourselves to our mothers, we see what 'should be' on television, we strive to keep up appearances that we are managing the competing demands of work and family and everything is in control," Quist said. "When we feel inadequate by comparison, it evokes strong feelings of guilt,"

Changing roles

A recent article in Time magazine ruffled some feathers when its author proclaimed that the "Chore Wars" were over, that men and women had nearly identical workloads in terms of paid and unpaid work.

Despite more men taking on a bigger role with child care and housework, some experts argue that it's still the women who carry the bulk of the "mental responsibility" that comes with household chores, including delegating tasks and knowing how often they must be done.

"Even if the spouse is digging in and doing a lot of the work, it's often under her direction," said Marti Erickson, a developmental psychologist and co-host of Mom Enough online parenting programs. "There's an exhaustion that comes just with having that mental responsibility."

Just ask David Wennell, a Minneapolis stay-at-home dad who's spent the past few years with his two sons while his wife pursues her career. He admits there was a learning curve in the beginning in juggling everything.

"There were times I felt a sense of guilt over not having the house welcoming for her when she came home," he said. "Some days I just had to accept the reality that I did my best."

But for women, that reality is harder to accept. Even with a husband who pitches in.

Uptown couple Tom and Kirsten Ragatz both agree their workloads are split evenly. Tom puts in more hours outside of the home, while Kirsten works part-time and does more of the household chores. However, Tom also picks up and puts things away, does the dishes and half the grocery shopping.

"My husband is a full 50 percent partner in raising our children and running our household," Ragatz said. "But a lot of women I know don't have that support. The house becomes their responsibility and they feel guilty if they're not keeping up."

The need for order

A neat and orderly house has its advantages. Kids concentrate easier and do better in school, for example, so it's only natural for mothers to strive for a clean home. But it's important for them to accept that they simply cannot do it all, said Kelly O. Finnerty, an Edina-based marriage and family therapist.

"The endless shoulds, such as 'I should keep my house better, cleaner, tidier, etc.,' can cause feelings of inadequacy, martyrdom, depression or simply chronic low-level stress which wears us down over time," Finnerty said. "It's not good for our health."

In fact, new research by the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth found that working moms who expressed a "supermom" attitude showed higher levels of depressive symptoms than working moms who accepted that some things have to give in order to achieve work-life balance.

Over the years, Nielsen said she's had to learn to live with a little less order and a little more judgement to achieve balance in her life.

"I want that extra time with my family," she said. "So the clothes might pile up, the dishes might sit longer and, yes, I believe I am judged. But I have to smile and say, 'It's my life and I'm worth more that just housework' -- but I'll still make that quick dash to straighten up before guests arrive."

Aimée Tjader • 612-673-1715