Married yet?

Whether they're relatives or friends, "smug marrieds" can be the bane of a single's existence.

By Mark De La Vina, San Jose Mercury News

Last update: November 18, 2007 - 4:02 PM

With the holidays coming, single people may need to brace for the inquiries at family gatherings: Why aren't you married yet?

But there's another hazard some may not expect, one that came to light in the '90s when author Helen Fielding outed them in "Bridget Jones's Diary" and the "Sex and the City" girls had run-ins with the sanctimonious lot.

We're talking about you, smug marrieds.

More than a decade after Fielding coined the term to describe those self-righteous wedded friends who judge Bridget's single status, the smug marrieds issue endures.

"Marriage: The Good, the Bad and the Greedy," a study published by the American Sociological Association in 2006, found that marriage can lead to a reduced number of social connections for couples outside of their relationship. In turning the marital bond into something of a social oasis, the recently hitched are less inclined to meet with friends.

Or as musician Alesandra Valenzuela, 34, of San Jose, Calif., discovered, they'll take it a step further.

Valenzuela, who is unmarried, said she noticed recently that the behavior of a couple she knew before their wedding shifted when they returned from their honeymoon. In their home stocked with such bridal gifts as a fancy tea set, the newlyweds were suddenly dismissive of Valenzuela.

"They acted all proud of themselves," said Valenzuela, a singer/songwriter. "They acted like they had all of their pieces together and I was stuck eating frozen pizza and living in a house with laundry on the floor. Something changed."

Stephanie Coontz, a history professor at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., and author of "Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage" (Viking Adult, 448 pages, $25.95), wrote last year in a New York Times opinion article that Americans now "put all their emotional eggs in the basket of coupled love" and neglect other relationships.

Sense of relief

Other factors are also at play, said Stacy Kaiser, a Los Angeles psychotherapist specializing in relationships, who is nationally known for her appearances on VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club."

When women delay marriage because of careers, their attitude toward single life often transforms into a sense of relief when -- after years of delays -- they finally find a mate.

"Some married women put off the attitude that 'I'm over that, I'm settled down and relaxed,'" Kaiser said. "There is almost a pity there, that they look down at the single woman as they think, 'I'm tired of that and I don't have to do that anymore.'"

Ron Geraci, author of "The Bachelor Chronicles" (Kensington, 256 pages, $14), said that for married people, singles are seen as devil-may-care cocktail-sipping symbols of the old way of doing things. A married person can no longer commiserate over dating horror stories in the same way because they have stepped through the transformational doorway that is marriage.

Change the subject

Geraci, who is single, said that married people might behave smugly on occasion, but they are welcome to their insulated existence.

"My definition of hell is being around four married couples who have children," he said. "They talk about sleep deprivation. They talk about private schools. They talk about what cute and amazing thing their baby did. That's fun and amusing -- for about 90 seconds."

Couples become fascinated by the subjects they are immersed in, Geraci said, including the marriage itself. As a result, a recent groom pal of Geraci's suddenly felt extra-qualified to offer relationship advice.

"The basic fundamental message is, 'You don't know jack,'" he said.

In a 1999 interview, Fielding described how smug marrieds make Bridget Jones "feel foolish, asking why she isn't married yet and how her love life is, and she always wants to say to them, 'How's your marriage going? Are you still having sex?'"

Tara Sanders, 27, of El Cerrito, Calif., is pelted with similar queries. To Sanders, the owner of a handcraft store, they're well-intentioned people who are convinced that happiness lies in tying the knot.

In spite of the difference in their marital status, there is one fundamental truth that married individuals must keep in mind, Sanders said.

"There is this feeling that they know better than you because they've managed to get married," she said. "But if I really wanted to, I could just go to Vegas and get drunk and find someone. It's not that hard."