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Nude-photo stash may be a deal breaker
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Dear Amy: I am a 54-year-old woman engaged to a wonderful 51-year-old man. We enjoy many rich and satisfying activities together, including sex. We have both been married before and have been together for three years. He still keeps nude photos of his old girlfriends in his computer (and he had many of them). He previously told me that he likes to keep nude photos of all his exes. While I knew about them in theory, I never saw them until I accidentally stumbled on them today, and I am very shaken by it. He claims that they are harmless and adamantly refuses to delete them. He claims that they are safe from prying eyes. I might add that he has some nude photos of me on his computer, as well, taken before I knew that they might be available for others to stumble upon (such as my teenage son, who visits his house sometimes). Am I being puritanical about these photos, or should I be glad that he is only looking and not touching? Is this a deal breaker? I am confused and unhappy, and I want to fry his hard drive.
FRUSTRATED FIANCÉe
Amy says: When you were posing nude, surely you imagined that the guy who enjoys having nude photos of you also enjoyed having nude photos of the other women in his life. After all, he told you as much.
Having personal material stored on a personal and private computer in your own home is akin to stashing material in a private drawer. If you don't want your son to "stumble" onto these photos as you did, then make sure the computer is password-protected so that this private drawer has a virtual lock on it.
I suspect that this isn't only a reaction to nudity, but to exes. When you discuss this with him, talk about how that makes you feel, without necessarily judging him for enjoying what he has already openly said he enjoys and which you've participated in along with him. Ask him to imagine how he would feel if you did as he is doing (he might be fine with it). He says that these photos are harmless, but he's wrong -- they are hurting your feelings and he should be sensitive to that.
You should do everything possible to find out whether your fiancé has shared these photos with anyone else -- either virtually or actually -- without your consent. Your fiancé says he has not shared them, though of course he could, in a nanosecond. You might not care so much about the relative privacy of his many exes, but I assume that you don't want your own nude photos floating around in the ether. That should definitely be a "deal breaker."
Find fitting reply for rude husband
Dear Amy: The letters in your column about abusive husbands who put down their wives with public "jokes" and comments remind me of the following story: A husband asked his wife, in the presence of others, "Why do you wear a bra when you have so little to put in it?" The wife replied (also in the presence of others), "Well, you wear trousers, don't you?"
STILL LAUGHING
Amy says: The right witty comeback is always more memorable than the original offense. I love it.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Av., Chicago, IL 60611.
Taken last week while visiting Red Wing, MN.
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