Withering Glance: An ode to desperate football wives

Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, relationships, grooming and more in a weekly dialogue.

Last update: September 23, 2007 - 12:24 AM

Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, relationships, grooming and more in a weekly dialogue.

RN: Imagine, if you will, the plight of the football widow.

CP: I know. Poor things. Still, we must remember that some women do love football.

RN: Seriously? I figured most were just making an effort because it was a way to bank a little quality time with their man. I just hope that hubbies are showing their spouses the same courtesy by watching a "Brothers & Sisters" TiVo marathon.

CP: For desperate housewives who don't like football, here are some strategies for coping with those hours when the hubby or boy toy is glued to the flat screen with his hand inside a bag of chips. One fun idea is to blithely let dear heart know that you are heading out to a matinee with an adorable male friend, and that you are "almost certain" he's gay.

RN: Please. The average Barcalounging sports fan is probably not even listening.

CP: Then perhaps she can get his attention by power shopping. In the time it takes to watch one or two football games, with commercial breaks, the FW can spend a boatload of money. She gets perky new tops to wear to work, and all he gets is Cool Ranch gunk on his fingers.

RN: It makes me wonder if the Visa or Mastercard people have any data on spiked shopping patterns among females during NFL game times. Sales at the Oval Room go through the roof!

CP: There are other, more serious impacts as well. A friend who's a psych nurse in Green Bay hates either outcome of a Packers game. If she's working on game day, she reports that a loss means an uptick in domestic assaults, and a win means more emergency calls related to drunk driving, disorderly conduct and noisy disturbances. Talk about a lose-lose proposition.

RN: Do you know what I appreciate most about the Vikings? What a game does to the Lunds in my neighborhood. While everyone else is cheering on Fran Tarkenton -- wait, did he get traded? -- I've got the store almost entirely to myself.

CP: I can just picture you waltzing down the uncluttered aisles with a bouquet of flowers in your cart, tossing off a tour jeté.

RN: Yeah, right. Don't forget the Us Weekly.

CP: It's also a wonderful time to stay at home and evacuate the eyesores from your husband's wardrobe. Any shoe with a tassel, for example. Ditto all shirts woven from a fabric first developed by DuPont.

RN: Amen to that. But the real trick is getting rid of all that unsightly purple and gold clothing -- while he's wearing it. If they can do that, to paraphrase the great Jane Russell, they're worthy of the name "woman."

Click on W.G.'s weekly podcast at www.

startribune.com/withering. E-mail W.G. at witheringglance@startribune.com.