Uncle Al doesn't know how to tell you this, but within a week or two he expects to be so rich that he no longer needs to write this column. He recently discovered on the Internet the existence of the Psychotronic Wishing Machine, one of many astonishing devices from Life Technology (www. lifetechnology.org).

Uncle Al isn't kidding: The machine is described as an audio amplifier with two parallel copper plates attached to the input terminals and an antenna attached to the output. "The user places a wish in the form of text, image and/or diorama between the plates and keeps the machine on until the wish comes true, usually within a week or two." And it's just $495!

Now, $495 is a lot, but Uncle Al will be able to get it back quickly by sticking a photo of a gold coin between the plates and harvesting gold coins, or by inserting a charming essay about how handy stacks of gold coins would be, no doubt with similar results.

He's not clear where the coins show up, but as long as it's indoors, at ground level, and not sealed inside something else, it will be OK.

Uncle Al must admit to an uneasy thought: What if he has his second wish ready -- say, for unending Little Debbie Nutty Bars -- but the gold-coin request takes more than a week or two to process? He'll have to buy a second Psychotronic Wishing Machine for the Debbies, so the first one can keep grinding away on the coin issue.

And what if lots of his wishes don't come true in a week or two? That's very unlikely, but then he'd need to have a roomful of $495 Psychotronic Wishing Machines. And if he laid out the $9,900 for a massively parallel array of Psychotronic Wishing Machines to work on 20 wishes, what if they didn't work very well, and he got only a few coins, one box of Little Debbies, etc.?

He decided he needed to be reassured about the science involved. Happily, the website explained in detail: "The Psychotronic Wishing Machine allows a connection to occur in the causal plane between the wish of the operator and the manifestation of that wish in the material universe. Since both links exist in the same location (the device), a subtle connection is created between trend and target. With this connection between trend and target achieved, the scalar energy will define the outcome of the procedure."

Ah. OK then.

The site had this note to skeptics: "If you think that there is no scientific basis for any of this, you are not current in cutting-edge physics." Uncle Al is sure that's the problem with friends he's told about this.

Stupid skeptics!

He then found he can save $405.05 by replacing one $495 wishing machine (the one he'll have making gold coins) with a Psychotronic Money Magnet, said to be "the ultimate in causal engineering technology," and only $89.95!

It uses "a multiphase set of fields which, apart from altering events, inculcate a theta rhythm of around 7 to 8 Hz, the natural theta frequency of the planet being 7.82." Poke a hole in that, skeptics!

The Food and Drug Administration makes Life Technology state that these products are "for experimentation and research purposes only," and that they aren't "offered for the diagnosis, cure, mitigation, treatment or prevention of any disease." Well, duh! There are no unsupported health claims! Just piles of money.

Stupid FDA!

Hoping to save a bit more, Uncle Al looked for psychotronic devices on eBay. He found a video of a lecture on radionics (the official name for this branch of science), and a CD of plans for building radionic gizmos. The offer said he could save "hundreds, even thousands" by building radionic devices himself. This is exactly the kind of thing that appeals to Uncle Al: generating piles of money and saving thousands!

The CD offer had this note: "The sky is not the limit. There are no limitations, only limiting mental constructs which need to be transcended."

Uncle Al knew there would be a catch! If you continue to see his byline in the newspaper, you'll know that he failed to transcend his limiting mental constructs.

Stupid constructs!