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Mindworks: When a friend threatens
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As a result of school shootings such as the Columbine tragedy and last week's Michigan shooting, school staffs and students have concerned themselves increasingly with how to cope with external threats, such as a troubled student armed with a weapon and a grudge. While such concern is clearly understandable, a more serious threat to students' safety can be internal: suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, self-mutilation and reckless behavior. The extent of such dangers was evident in this month's Mindworks, which posed these questions: If a friend or classmate said something scary about hurting himself or herself or somebody else, what would you do? Would you tell anybody? Whom would you tell? Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? Judging by the roughly 4,500 responses, the majority of young people have not experienced these kinds of situations and very few have experienced threats of violence against classmates in the form of death threats, bomb threats or threats of bodily harm. But a significant minority - more than 500 - wrote about experiences with friends who have thought about, attempted or succeeded at killing themselves. Some described their own struggles with depression and suicidal impulses. The youngest who said he had been suicidal (but who had gotten help) was in fourth grade. The students described friends who have overdosed on pills and other medications, including asthma drugs; friends in the throes of anorexia and bulimia whose bodies are wasting away; friends who have locked themselves in the bathroom with a razor while their frenzied companions paced outside the door; friends who have sat in their bedrooms with knives pressed against their wrists or throats. Kirsten Knappe-Langworthy, 12, of Lake City, Minn., wrote: "A difficult time is when your friends come to you and say, `I want to kill myself. My life is so bad it is not worth living.' I know how that feels, like you have 1,000 pounds on your shoulders." When confronted with such confessions, most young people said they felt shocked, stunned, confused and deeply frightened. For many, their first challenge was to assess the seriousness of the threat, a difficult task because joking about violence and suicide is commonplace. Others said it can be hard to tell whether someone is just being a "drama queen" in need of temporary attention or is seriously distraught.
Trust and betrayal
Once they determined the seriousness of the threat, most said the issue of trust and betrayal became paramount. How could they tell an adult when their friends swore them to secrecy? Many who found themselves in very serious circumstances said they eventually did turn to adults such as school counselors and principals and parents for help. Most said the result was that their friends got into therapy or were hospitalized or were treated with antidepressant medication. Several said a school counselor or social worker talked with the suicidal student together with his or her concerned friends to air feelings, share concerns and figure out a solution. Shannon Stundahl, 14, of Twin Valley, Minn., wrote: "If one of my good friends told me he was thinking about committing suicide and swore me to secrecy, I know that I would have to tell. Even though I probably promised not to tell, and a promise between two friends should never be broken, I would tell his parents first. If I didn't tell anyone and then one day I found out that he is gone, I would feel as if I had killed him myself." A couple said, however, that they had destroyed a friendship when they called on adult help, in one case calling the police when a friend was threatening to shoot herself with her dad's rifle. Many warned of the importance of being discreet about which other students are told about a classmate's problems. Too often, they said, rumors begin circulating that can intensify the situation and magnify the danger. Whether or not they had experienced such situations, the younger students were much more prone to say they would tell a grown-up if they were aware of a friend's destructive thoughts. Teens were likelier to say they would handle it on their own by listening carefully, spending a lot of time with their friends, reassuring them they are loved, removing pills and weapons, and never leaving them alone. Several told of long nights spent with depressed and/or suicidal friends. Eventually, most shared the information with a good friend and many then apprised an adult on what was happening. Tragically, some discovered that intervention alone might not save a friend. Terri Zimprich, 16, of Jordan wrote: "Sometimes no matter what you do, they'll still kill themselves. Like my friend Joe. We tried everything. We told his family, we turned him in and we tried talking to him, but nothing worked. He shot himself. See, so sometimes you try everything, but it doesn't work."
Many reasons for feelings The reasons given for why friends or the writers themselves sometimes feel so desperate included parental abuse and neglect, divorce, broken romances, teasing and bullying by classmates, bad grades and feelings of ugliness, loneliness, worthlessness and depression. In general, the girls wrote about more suicide attempts and intervention. Although many boys also had experienced such situations and intervened, in general, boys were likelier to decide that a classmate's pain was none of their business. In the event that a classmate threatened other students or alluded to bringing a gun or bomb to school, most students would tell authorities immediately, they said. In a couple of cases, such events have actually occurred, including in one small-town school where a sixth-grader threatened to kill her classmates. Accounts varied as to whether she had been suspended or expelled. Among those finding the idea of classmates being suicidal especially troubling were those who have experienced such tragedies in their own families. Kaylee Langer, 11, of Crystal, wrote about two aunts - both of whom had attempted suicide, one successfully. "The whole family was devastated," she wrote. "I never want this to happen again. I don't understand what is so bad to end your life. Enjoy your life. Life is so short in the first place." A few students suggested that the best response to such threats would be to prevent them. If parents would listen and pay more attention, if classmates would be more sensitive and not brutalize their peers, if young people took the time to tell one another how much they mean to them, if more teens felt loved, they said, such threats would be far rarer. Andrea Zimmerman, 14, of Brooklyn Park wrote, "If we took some time to listen to people and watch out for warning signs, we could save a lot of innocent lives." . "From birth we are taught that we should always keep a secret. We learn that breaking the code of secrecy is a form of unforgivable betrayal. Some secrets are wrong to keep." - Kelsey Fullerton, age, 16, grade 10 Jordan, Minn.; Jordan High School
"If just one person could have overheard what was said between the two Columbine shooters and had told a teacher or someone, several lives could have been saved." - Derrik Cornell, age 14, grade 8, Canby, Minn.; Canby High School
"It is actually quite shocking to hear somebody say, `I am trying to kill myself.' It is quite horrifying to hear those words come from a friend's mouth." - Michael Howard, age 12, grade 7, Hastings, Hastings Middle School
"If a person said they were going to hurt themself or someone else, I would probably not do anything because people always talk like that these days. People joke about hurting people all the time now." - Kory Lindbom, age 15, grade 9, Becker, Minn.; Becker High School
Student essays
Girl - Age 16 - Maple Lake, Minn. This may sound a little scary, but I know what it's like to have friends tell me they want to die. I even know what it's like to have friends tell me that they hurt themselves. I even know firsthand what it feels like to hurt yourself. I used to be involved in doing something called self-mutilation. That is where you cut yourself all over, or in different places on the body. I have even wanted to commit suicide. It wasn't a group that used to do this. I did it and hid it from everybody. Then one day a friend came up to me and told me she had been cutting herself. I realized that cutting myself is not the answer to my heartaches. I have not cut myself for about three months. Since I have gotten older and have learned more about how to deal with my depression, I have seen many kids say they want to die or they have been cutting themselves. I do everything I can to talk them out of it, even if it takes talking to them for a long time. Cutting yourself to cure a heartache may make you feel better, but it makes everyone who loves you feel worse.
J. - Age 14 - Brainerd, Minn. Having a friend or classmate say something scary about hurting themselves or someone else is a scary experience, one that I, unfortunately, have been through. When a classmate in sixth grade started telling me stories of how she tried to jump off a flight of stairs to the cement landing or cut her wrist with a knife, I freaked out. At first, I just told my best friend. I thought she would know how to handle this situation. We, together, realized we didn't have the solution so we told our mothers. Our mothers phoned the school, who talked to our classmate's mother. My classmate ended up in counseling and is now a lot better. This person still goes to counseling, but the quality of her life has greatly improved. If anyone else should have to experience this, tell a parent or a trusted adult immediately. They have the power to help.
John Fairbairn - Age 9, grade 4 - Plymouth - Plymouth Creek Elementary School When I was in the second grade, a kid told me he was going to bring his dad's shotgun to school and kill me. Then he said, "This is no joke." I felt really scared.
That week we were in the car on vacation for spring break. I couldn't hold the secret in anymore. It made my stomach hurt. I told my mom and dad what happened. My mom called the principal. The principal talked to the kid. Both the kid and I had to talk to the school counselor.
One thing still bothers me today. The kid only had to say he was sorry. He should have gotten in trouble. He scared me and made me feel unsafe at school. I think he needed to understand that words can hurt as much as actually doing it.
Lindsay Zaske - Age 13, grade 8 - Renville, Minn. - BDRSH School When I was in sixth grade, my cousin committed suicide because, she said in her diary, nothing ever was going her way. She said that since her mother died and her boyfriend broke up with her, she had been seriously depressed. Her dad never noticed signs of depression. She was the bestest cousin I ever had. She was so bright and a good student and she had two sisters. On her tombstone it says, "A star so bright and loved by everyone." They had a gathering at her high school and they talked about her death, and how she will be remembered. They aided kids at her school to deal with her death. I cried in my room for two days. I would not come out. She had made a big impact on my life and I miss her very much. Only if I knew about her plan to end her life, maybe I could have stopped her.
Emily Krumberger - Age 10, grade 4 - Minneapolis- - Marcy Open School If my friend told me she was going to kill someone or herself, I would probably tell my parents, but I would feel scared that she wouldn't be my friend anymore or that the someone she might kill was me! But if I didn't tell someone and she did kill someone or herself, then I would feel that it was all my fault. It's probably better to tell someone that your friend was going to kill someone or herself than to feel empty inside.
Boy - Age 14 - Annandale - Annandale High School The meaning of life is not always clear to everyone at all times. There are times when the day-to-day situations that one goes through are difficult and painful. During these times, the meaning of life can sometimes disappear completely.
There have been times that I have felt this way, but somehow I have never felt that life was not worth living. This is not always true for everyone. I have known close friends and relatives that have felt like giving up. One friend became quite depressed during a difficult time in her life. She made many comments about not wanting to live and breathe anymore. She felt sad all of the time. I was really worried and didn't know what to do. She had asked me not to tell anyone. I wanted to be able to hang onto her trust, but this seemed too serious.
When people are in this state of mind, I don't believe they can always make good decisions. They are so overwhelmed with trouble that they can't see the good in life. I don't think they really want to die. They just want the pain to stop.
Since I didn't know how to help her, I decided to ask my mom for advice. I had also told a close friend to try and help. My friend told his parents and his parents contacted her parents right away.
It turns out this was not the first incident. Her parents brought her to counseling and she has been getting a lot of help. She is starting to become her old self again and I am so happy for her.
It is very important to get the right help for someone that is going through tough times. I know how desperate my friend felt when she was not getting help and how happy she is now.
Angelica Torralba - Age 17, grade 11 - Richfield - Washburn High School I knew this girl in junior high school. She felt like she was never accepted in any group so she turned to drinking, smoking, drugs and sex. At one point she swallowed 10 pills for breakfast. Suicide was constantly on her mind. She dieted and starved herself because she thought she was fat, even though she was 5-foot-five and weighed 105 pounds.
I tried to tell her mom, but she was in a state of denial and refused to believe that her daughter would ever think of turning to drugs or bulimia. Her view was that if her daughter had a problem, she could always go to her. In those two years I knew, her mother not once confronted her about it. I was afraid to tell any other adults because I didn't want their family to be torn apart because of me.
Even though I did all I could, I feel so guilty knowing it wasn't enough.
Elan Karpinski - Age 10, grade 5 - Cannon Falls, Minn. - Cannon Falls Elementary School Last year, we had a bomb threat at our school. It really scared me because I wasn't quite sure of what was going on. Everyone was saying different stories about the bomb threat. I was almost about to cry because I was so scared and confused.
Ashley Pacheco - Age 15, grade 9 - Minneapolis - The City, Inc. If one of my close friends or classmates was talking about hurting themselves or another person, I would probably take the situation in my own hands. I would ask why they feel this way.
I would also ask them if it would be worth it to hurt someone and throw their entire life away by risking the chance of getting in trouble with the law. I would tell them that the other person would be getting the best of them because while you're sitting behind bars thinking about what you should have done differently, they will be sitting on the other side of the bars laughing at you.
If they were talking about hurting themselves, I would tell them it would be very selfish of them because there's always somebody in this whole wide world that cares about you and why would you throw your whole future away just because you're going through some rough times? You could grow up and be a very positive person and be a strong leader in your community and meet your dream husband that you could spend the rest of your life with and have kids and take family vacations, and when your family goes through rough times, you could help them get through it.
I wouldn't tell an adult because it would make the person feel betrayed.
When I was going through troubled times and felt like hurting myself and another person, one of my best friends told me the exact same thing I just talked about and it made me think about how my life is and how I could work hard to make it better and how nobody is gonna get the best of me. So, when you hear someone talking about hurting themselves or others, tell them to talk and you will listen. It helps!
Boy - Age 18 - Rural Minnesota If a friend said to me that he were anorexic or bulimic, I would probably try to help him, but I do not know that I would tell anyone right away unless the problem was very bad. I have been in this situation before because I am in wrestling and some people on our team starve themselves or vomit to try to make weight. In fact, I have even thrown up to make weight, but some people go nuts. They never eat and try to vomit as often as they can.
Wrestling is a difficult sport because of all the turmoil that goes with it - the cutting weight, the starvation; and then when you wrestle you don't have enough energy to wrestle so you never get a good chance of doing the best that you can.
One of my friends cut way too much weight last year to the point where the doctor did not want him to wrestle any more. He could never hold down any food and he had stomach problems because he never ate. I tried to talk to him to try to go up and wrestle at a different weight class, but he didn't. He finished out the year being starved and lacked nutrition that most people could get out of everyday meals.
This same kid quit wrestling last year and many older people and adults got mad at him and started to stereotype him. But really, he just got sick and tired of all the unhealthy behavior that goes on in wrestling. I am kind of glad he did.
Jamie Lindenfelser - Age 16, grade 11 - Annandale, Minn. - Annandale High School I had to make the decision. My close friend and I were hanging out one day and that is when I saw the scratches on his wrist. I asked him what the scratches were from. He told me that his cat had scratched him. I wanted to believe him, but those scratches did not look like they came from a cat.
I told another friend and she told me to contact someone of higher authority. I asked myself, "Do I believe him or do I take it out of my hands?"
I told the right people. They took my friend to a nearby hospital where he was evaluated. I was right; he was suicidal. He got the help he needed and now he talks to someone before he becomes too depressed.
At first he was mad at me, but after he thought about it, he understood why I had told others. He understood that I cared enough to get him some help. We are as close as we ever were, if not closer.
. Alex Diaz - Age 10, grade 5 - Eagan - Red Pine Elementary School I have been in this situation. The person was serious.
I see on some commercials people who are going to jump off buildings. I don't really think it's funny, because it might send a bad image. Because in a lot of them, there is someone who sticks his head out the window and says something dumb like, "Do you have salsa?" or something. Then the person looks at them like, "Aren't you going to help?" and they say, "No." It is so stupid.
. Peter Nielsen - Age 16, grade 10 - New Ulm, Minn. - New Ulm High School If one of my classmates said they were going to hurt someone else, I would ask who they were going to hurt and what they were going to do. I would also ask why because if it was someone they were going to fight, like a fistfight, I would let them fight. Sometimes that is how people get over things by just fighting and letting out their anger towards that person. Then they forget about the whole thing.
If it was a more violent fight, like with guns, then I would tell someone because someone might end up getting more seriously hurt or even killed. I would for sure let someone know that they were going to fight with weapons, because I would not want to lose any more of my classmates. I would also not want to be responsible for the result of the fight. I don't think I could live with myself if I knew someone might end up dead. But other than that, I would let the fistfight go on.
"If I had a friend who felt he had nothing to live for, I would try to remind him that this is our only life. It is a miracle. And though it may be difficult at times, we should always try to make the best of it. ... Live life to the fullest every minute of every day because we never know how long we have."
- Molly Ziegeweid, age 15, grade 9 Medina, Wayzata High School
"If one of my friends was going to hurt him or herself, I would probably tell my mom, because she always has the answers."
- Sarah Kanne, age 10, grade 5, Waseca, Minn.; Waseca Central Intermediate School
"If I had a friend that threatened to hurt someone or themselves, I would probably just ignore their thoughts. I know from experience that a lot of times people say things they don't mean in feelings of rage or sorrow."
- Joe Carlson, age 15, grade 9, Austin, Minn.; Austin High School
"If someone told me that they were going to do something bad to himself, herself or another person, I would be scared, because that `other person' could be me."
- Rachel Cleppe, age 10, grade 5, Shorewood, Minnewashta Elementary School
"When I was in fifth and sixth grade, suicide was this awful thing that happened only to people who were bad. Once I was in eighth grade, I realized that even people who have everything going for them could commit suicide."
- Lisa Mader, age 14, grade 9, Austin, Minn.; Austin High School
"I think people want to hurt other people or themselves when they are sad and hurting inside." - Steven Picking, age 11, grade 5, Crystal, Neill School
How Mindworks works Students in grades one through 12 may participate. Essays may be no longer than 300 words. IMPORTANT: Each submission must include the student's name, age, grade, school name, school phone number, and home address, and must be received by the due date. Send submissions to: Mindworks, Star Tribune, 425 Portland Av. S., Minneapolis, MN 55488. When you send in your submission, you assign and transfer to the Star Tribune all your rights to it, including copyright. All submissions become the property of the Star Tribune. For publication April 3: Do you believe life exists anywhere in the universe other than on Earth? Why or why not? If you were to meet an "alien," what aspect of human life would you find most difficult to explain to it? Why? (Submissions due no later than March 10.)