Is Submissive Language Holding You Back?

By Barbara K. Mednick, Star Tribune Sales and Marketing

Last update: October 16, 2005 - 11:00 PM

The common phrase "less is more" can be applied to many things in life, including your conversational style. That's because talking too much, rambling and "thinking out loud" can clutter the air with conversation and send the wrong message to bosses, customers and co-workers. And, it can hold you back professionally, particularly if you work in the sales or marketing field.

Conversational Style

"Submissive language can be a liability for sales and marketing professionals," says Gwyneth Dwyer, director of writing services, Larsen Design + Interactive in Minneapolis. "Take a minute to examine your conversational style. Is it indecisive, timid or apologetic? If so, your language might be too submissive."

Too Polite, Too Talkative

While polite language is essential, don't take it too far," advises Dwyer, whose job involves selling ideas and promoting products and services. "Excessively polite language can make you appear subordinate. Also watch out for rambling. You may be perceived as wishy-washy and unassertive."

Understand Gender Differences

"Like it or not, most of us judge others' competence – as well as their confidence and authority – by the way they talk," according to Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., a world-renowned linguist and author of 15 books. Tannen's research shows that the communication styles of men and women differ dramatically. For example, women's language tends to be more indirect and subtle than men's language. Women also tend to use hyperpolite forms that may involve more word usage. It is these linguistic style differences that can make women sound more submissive than men.

Capitalize On Silence

Silence, rather than speech, can often make you seem more assertive. "Have the courage to say less and then wait for a response. When you frame your remarks with 'white space,' they often gain stature," says Dwyer. "Submissive communicators clutter the air with conversation, often out of nervousness. Successful communicators capitalize on silence."

Watch The Whining

One of the most obvious examples of submissive language is whining. "If you must complain, don't bog your audience down with a list of woes," says Dwyer. "State the problem concisely, show how it affects others – not just you personally – then indicate how a solution benefits everyone."

Transform Submissive Into Assertive

Examples of submissive language are common. With forethought, you can transform them into assertive, action-oriented speech, according to Dwyer:

1. Submissive: Sorry to interrupt you, but I was wondering whether you've had a chance to review my proposal. I really need to get it out. (Apologetic, indirect, verges on whining, me-oriented.)

Assertive: I'm looking forward to your input on the proposal. Can you provide it by 3 today? It has the potential to be a big win. (Friendly, direct, specifies an action, team-oriented.)

2. Submissive: I don't know how to solve this. It's really a problem, and it's taking too much of my time. Maybe we could x. Or y. Or z. Or whatever you think will be best. (Whining, rambling, too deferential.)

Assertive: Let's tackle this problem together, right now. Here are three workable solutions. (Direct, concise, team-oriented.)

Barbara K. Mednick is a Twin Cities marketing communications consultant and freelance writer.

Recent Jobs : Career management stories

As Economy Shrinks, Fast Food Grows - October 16, 2005

As Economy Shrinks, Fast Food Grows - As the economy continues to shrivel, fast food restaurants are still booming. But the careers aren’t just behind the counter or on the line. There are management jobs and careers at corporate offices. The fast food industry might be something appealing to you. More