You might not have watched the Oscar red carpet show because you have no interest in what these people wear, or what these people say. You might've watched because you hoped the bear from "The Revenant" shows up and goes rogue, and it's a really red carpet. You might avoid the Oscars entirely because the last time that many people worshipped a golden statue, Moses showed up and there was a whole lotta smitin' going on.
But let's say you tuned in to see what all the rumpus was about. Here's a recap that might answer some questions that nag you still.
1. If you missed the E! Red Carpet coverage, you didn't realize that they were embedding tweets in the coverage. From W. Alex Foley:
OSCAR DAY! OSCAR DAY #Oscars
This made you wonder if Oscar Day had gotten out of a limo, but the camera didn't cut to him. You're waiting for Leo, because everyone's concerned that if Leo doesn't win he will get in his private plane and fly off to someplace remote and drown himself in a vat of supermodel perspiration.
2. Another tweet: "So Sylvester Stallone will probably be the first person awarded an Oscar tonight, right?"
No; Oscars have been awarded for years now. The first ceremony was held at the Mocambo Ballroom in 1899, and the award for best picture went to "A Man Looking at a Pigeon." The award was much smaller, made of cake, and covered with gold paint. Everyone involved in the first Oscars perished of lead poisoning within the year, which led to the birth of the "In Memoriam" segment of the Oscars, when everyone who's thinking about the party has to look solemn in case the camera grazes their row.
3. What was the hot color? Do you mean what was Sofia Vergara wearing? Dark blue.
4. Who had the most stunning dress? Cate Blanchett, with the shoulder-fired taser guns.
5. I saw this part where "Brooklyn" star Saoirse Ronan was answering tough, detailed questions about her sequins, and she waved to someone, and the interviewer said "Is that your Dad?" and she said "No, it's Nick Hornby," the movie's screenwriter. Where can I send a condolence card to Nick?
6. Does Charlotte Rampling always wear a bitterly amused expression like a disappointed aristocrat in the last days of Weimar Germany? Yeah, pretty much.
7. Who was that little kid in a tux? Jacob Tremblay. He played BB8 in "Star Wars," and it's good to see he can stand up straight again.
8. What was the inspiration behind Olivia Wilde's outfit? It was an experiment to see if she could be hated by every woman on the planet simultaneously, because that is what men like, not an elegant tailored beautiful ruffled OH THEY ARE JUST PIGS
9. When they interviewed the actors of "Spotlight," a movie about a Boston Globe investigation, did it seem as if the actors were under the impression that doing a movie about journalists sorta made them journalists too, in a way? Yes, it did. That will end when they learn that journalists don't go nap in the trailer between paragraphs.
10. Did anyone say anything interesting? Not really, though you may have liked Sly Stallone, momentarily surprised that Cate Blanchett had said some nice things about him.
"I didn't even think she'd ever see anything I was in," he said. "I don't want it to end," he said, and you got the impression of someone who still can't believe he gets to make movies; you got a brief whiff of melancholy that cut through all the perfumed glitter.
Then they cut away to Lady Gaga. Her dress had "secret pants"!