Winter Hazard Awareness Week concluded Friday, and in case you missed the helpful tips provided by local government websites, I can recap for you: Winter is cold. True Science Fact: “In very cold weather, a person’s body can loose heat faster than they can produce it.” That’s a direct quote from the Department of Public Safety’s website. Avoid loose heat! Tighten up your heat as much as you can before you go outside.

More advice: “Avoid shoveling while smoking.” Otherwise you won’t be able to shovel near the door, because as we know it’s illegal to smoke within 20 feet of the entrance.

The most useful part: winter driving advice. If your car gets stuck, do not leave. “You might lose your way or become exhausted, collapse and risk your life.” But there’s a SuperAmerica right there, about 20 feet. DO NOT LEAVE THE CAR. Stay warm. How? “Rub your hands together or put them in your armpits or between your legs.” The key word here is “your.” Do not leave the car in search of other, warmer armpits.

Keep a flare gun handy, in case you are attacked by an oil-soaked bear. Pack an emergency kit that has some food, a cellphone charger, a collie dog that can run to the nearest farmhouse and bark out your GPS coordinates (what’s that, girl? You say he’s at 46.979412 Latitude, 96.880638 Longitude? Let’s go!) and those hand-warmer things you always buy at the hardware store and never use. For all you know there’s just paper towels inside, and a match.

But let’s say they do work. Why don’t they make entire suits out of the material? Why hasn’t this technology been incorporated into underwear?

We need this. For all our experience with winter, we are lousy drivers, and likely to end up ditchwise and shivering. You tell someone that when they slam on the brakes doing 65 on sheer ice their stopping distance is 16 football fields, and they say that’s not a problem.

Why, I don’t drive on football fields.