Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s announcement Wednesday that they are going to step back from being royals, become financially independent and split their time between North America and the United Kingdom has left many people wanting “The Crown” to catch up to this royal plotline.
Meh. We’re more interested in what the creative minds at Lifetime and Hallmark will do with this development.
Markle once acted in Hallmark movies. Lifetime already created a few about her and Harry’s royal romance. So we’re expecting that they will clear their slate of 2020 holiday programming to make room for several of our Meghan and Harry go-it-alone-themed films.
Are we worried that these networks will steal our ideas? We hope they do, and then we’ll just collect the royalties. (We are not ashamed of that joke — although, perhaps we should be.)
“Inn Love With a Royal” — Meghan and Harry renovate an old inn that has fallen into disrepair. But they quickly discover that living in an ancient castle didn’t prepare them to deal with 19th-century plumbing. Eventually, they get solar panels for the inn and help revive the town’s local economy, and everyone rediscovers the true spirit of Christmas.
“The Ex-Princess Diaries” — Meghan decides to bring back her long defunct blog, the Tig, where she shares lifestyle advice, fashion tips, charitable endeavors and long, candid posts about what her life is like as a bicontinental ex-royal. She’s inundated with offers to sell the movie rights to the blog and make millions, but does she want to go back to her Hollywood life?
“The Empire Hikes Back” — The paparazzi won’t stop hounding Meghan, Harry and baby Archie. In search of peace and quiet, they decamp to Montana, where — inspired by their second date, a camping trip in Botswana — they start a new life running a hiking and outdoors adventure company. It’s going great until Jessica, a cash-strapped neighbor, starts selling photos of the family. Meghan agrees to let Jessica sell the photos as long as the proceeds benefit endangered whooping cranes.
“A Royal Schooling” — Grace, a kindergarten teacher, is in for a surprise when Archie Mountbatten-Windsor is enrolled in her class. Grace helps the Duke and Duchess host PTA nights while also dealing with an ex-boyfriend who is a former tabloid reporter who wrote some unflattering stories about Meghan in the past.
“Purple Mountains Majesty” — Meghan enters an art competition but accidentally submits one of Archie’s finger paintings. The art world is buzzing about the work of “her royal highness” and demands more, so Meghan tries to re-create the work of her baby, but to no avail (he’s now in a Play-Doh phase).
“Queen of Kings” — Meghan opens a chocolate factory that only makes king-size candy bars. The store, Queen of Kings, quickly catches on and earns millions of followers on Instagram, but she falls into a rivalry with a chocolate shop across the street.
“Coming Back to America” — Harry and Meghan move to Queens in New York, after he discovers that there are no American cities named Princesses. Harry is having a tough time adjusting. He gets hilarious advice from regulars at the corner barbershop, but forces of gentrification threaten to replace it with a grooming lounge that charges $75 for a trim. So Harry and Meghan organize a fundraiser and learn the true meaning of community along the way.
“Fit for a Queen” — Charlie owns a struggling tailor’s shop that desperately needs new customers. Harry and Meghan show up one day with all of their royal clothes that need alterations. During the long process, all three of them learn a few lessons about life — and a few more about themselves.
“Duke University” — Harry decides to go back to school, only to earn the mockery of his classmates when he doesn’t know the nuances of American history. But when a wise elderly professor decides to lock all of the students in a room together overnight by “forgetting” the key, the royal Brit and regular Americans eventually learn to set their differences aside.
“A Prince Among Men” — Harry’s brother William is super mad at him for resigning from royal life, especially without consulting him. So Meghan and sister-in-law Kate scheme to get the siblings to make up, secretly plotting to reunite the brothers at an international gingerbread house competition. The 24-hour contest forces them to come together to achieve a common and delicious goal.
“Desperately Seeking Meghan” — Meghan bumps her head and, suffering from amnesia, forgets all about marrying into and then leaving royalty. Harry, meanwhile, has difficulty adjusting to nonroyal life. They learn to chart this new path together.
“Gone With the Windsor” — While Harry and Meghan are looking for the perfect home in North America, they stumble upon a place in Canada that seems ideal. The only problem? It’s a castle. As they start renovating their new palace, they learn that you can never totally escape your past.
“Queen of Hearts” — Meghan’s father and his side of the family try to reconcile after all the messy drama of the past two years. Meghan finds her way to forgiveness through baking, saving a beloved local business from an evil developer.
“The Royal Mounted Policeman” — Harry has found that the perfect way to become financially independent is to become a Canadian Mountie. The work is a lot lonelier than he thought it’d be, but his horse, Duke, teaches him the true meaning of friendship.
“Royal Suits” — This is just a reboot of “Suits.”