C.J.: Kim's Halloween trick: Made-for-TV divorce

  • Article by: C.J. , Star Tribune
  • Updated: October 31, 2011 - 7:55 PM
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Kim Kardashian, right, and Kris Humphries

Photo: Matt Sayles, Associated Press

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Seven days ago I dismissed the long-term prospects for Kris Humphries' marriage to Kim Kardashian, referring to him as her husband-of-the-moment.

Still, it's a little stunning how quickly the moment was up: just 72 days after their lavish, distasteful, $10 million marriage ceremony on Aug 20. According to TMZ, that's $138,888 a day or, as I calculate it, 10 weeks of Hades at $1 million per.

In a maneuver fit for Halloween, the reality TV star filed for divorce Monday in Los Angeles, citing the ever-popular "irreconcilable differences." A few hours later, Lifeandstylemag.com captured a photo of the NBA player walking into a suburban Minneapolis Lifetime Fitness Center, looking relaxed and still wearing his wedding band. Humphries looked relaxed because he reportedly was blind-sided. Word is that he learned about the divorce action from a broadcast report.

"I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce," Humphries told Peoplemag.com in a statement. "I'm committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents and am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work."

Humphries comes from a family where his parents have been married for 30 years and his grandparents 60.

Police were called to the neighborhood where Humphries' parents live Monday because of congestion created by various magazine reporters looking for information.

Kris, maybe you don't want to reconcile with somebody who might have scammed you, man!

Everything I've heard suggests that Humphries was in it for love. She, on the other hand, will do anything for ratings, including having her butt X-rayed -- and looking like a wicked witch on Halloween.

After all that attention for the wedding, Kardashian looks determined to attract more eyeballs for the opposite reason: commiserating -- strike that, whining -- about a divorce on the next exciting episodes of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" or "Kim & Kourtney Take New York."

From the looks of things, it isn't too cynical to suggest that Kardashian wanted to get married specifically for the purposes of planning an over-the-top, made-for-TV ceremony. Now that she's married, she's getting out of it at the earliest possible plausible opportunity.

How much time did the newlyweds spend together? Not much, which was very peculiar, since Kim was TALKING about wanting a baby.

Various sources claim they essentially have been living separate lives since their I do's. She didn't even take her locked-out NBA player on her business trip to Dubai -- she took her mom.

We also know that Kardashian has not been bird-dogging her husband on his trips to Minnesota to visit his parents and check on his lake place -- certainly not the way she did when he was merely her fiancé. Kardashian probably hasn't even been in town enough to know she's reportedly in the doghouse with her mother-in-law.

In private, away from Kris, Debra and William Humphries have to have mixed emotions about the demise of this union, which had about 72 red flags flapping around it well before the ceremony. Humphries is no doubt kicking himself for not having the courage to cancel his wedding sometime around Aug. 10, when I implored him to summon his inner-groomzilla. Sources were telling me Kris' parents were telling him not to tie that knot. More evidence that he really did love her.

The end of a marriage is sad, but pardon my cynicism that comes when reviewing the video:

Exhibit No. 1: In Kris' first appearance on "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" he remarked that after learning Kim was interested in him that he had felt like her "prey."

Exhibit No. 2: Kim offered to take Humphries as her last name upon marriage and then, with heavy input from her mom, decided that it would not good for "the brand." Kim Humphries, in private, and Kim Kardashian in public, were not options discussed on TV.

Exhibit No. 3: Humphries' gut, and reportedly his parents', were telling him to call off this wedding in early August.

Exhibit No. 4: When Kris talked about wanting to make a life in Minnesota, Kim's reaction was: "I definitely was raised in a different world than, like, Yee Haw Minnesota."

You know Yee Haw? It's a suburb of Lake Wobegon.

If this goodbye, in the form of divorce papers, really means she's gone, and this isn't another PR stunt, there is one huge upside for Kris:

He no longer has to listen to one of the most vapid voices on TV.

Tweeters atwitter

The official breakdown of HumpDashian inspired several Minneapolis trending topics on Twitter.com Monday: #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage, #kimkmarriagewasshorter, #Kim K and #Kris Humphries.

It also inspired Minnesota-born comedian and co-creator of "The Daily Show" Lizz Winstead (@lizzwinstead) to tweet: "Bet Kris Humphries wishes he hadn't joined the #OccupyKimKardashian movement."

@TheeBuddha tweeted: "Life imitates art. Tonight Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are dressing up as a giant Sham Wow. Because that's what their marriage was."

Let's hope the Twitterverse keeps the pressure on Kardashian to return all those gifts until this greedy little woman finally, for once in her life, does the right thing.

C.J. is at 612.332.TIPS or cj@startribune.com. E-mailers, please state a subject -- "Hello" doesn't count. Attachments are not opened, so don't even try. More of her attitude can be seen on FOX 9 Thursday mornings.

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