OnStage: Ann says: See this show!

Dear Ann: My editor asked me to write a story about this new show at the History Theatre in St. Paul. Oh, brother, I said. There aren't any clever angles on this story! I admit my comment didn't go over well, but honestly, what is there to say about an Ann Landers play? I know he'll ask again. What do I tell him?

OUT OF IDEAS

Ann Says: Sounds like you could be looking for another job if you don't come up with something quick. Let me clue you in about this show. This piece, written by David Rambo (a writer for TV's "CSI"), was taken from my letters and life. It's an intimate look -- not that intimate, it's all quite wholesome -- but my readers will find out lots of stuff they never knew about me, including my real name. I don't want to give the plot away, what's the point of that? I would characterize this show as a conversation with Ann Landers. As far as an "angle," save that for the miter box.

Dear Ann: I've attended several one-woman shows recently and my wife -- I'll call her "Cynthia" -- is becoming suspicious. I keep telling her it's just part of my job as a theater critic, but "Cynthia" says, "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck yesterday, bub." I'm afraid if I tell her I need to go see your show it's going to mean another night on the couch. How can I get her to understand this is all business?

HENPECKED AND SPINELESS

Ann Says: Wake up and smell the coffee, mister! Take your wife with you! I'm sure that she feels alone and abandoned with all the nights you spend out. If you want to keep the romance in your marriage, you're going to need to wine and dine the lady you vowed to love till death do you part, and if you keep leaving her at home every night, then 30 lashes with a wet noodle for you. This show is only two hours, including intermission, so you'll have plenty of time to make it home for dessert, if you get my drift. Good luck, and let me know how it turns out!

Dear Ann: Can you settle a bet? I went to college in Eau Claire, Wis., and was sure that you had once lived there. I remember the Phillips family being a big deal there and that you were related to them. My friend, Augie, says I'm nuts, and that you were from someplace in Iowa and married "The White Shadow." Who's right?

PERPLEXED BLUGOLD

Ann Says: You and Augie both have geraniums in your craniums. OK, here's the straight dope: I was born in Iowa, I lived in Eau Claire early on in my marriage. My sister, Popo, married Mort Phillips of the very influential Phillips family from Minneapolis. Mort hired my husband, Jules, to work in one of the businesses that the Phillips family owned in Eau Claire. We moved from Eau Claire to Chicago in 1954. "The White Shadow" (actor Ken Howard) was married to my daughter, Margo. You know, you had better hightail it over to my show, "The Lady With All the Answers." You'll find out everything you wanted to know about Ann Landers and more!

Dear Ann: I have always liked to write my theater reviews in the nude. It makes me feel open and honest -- as if I have nothing to hide. My co-workers complained, so to be a sport I decided to write at home. Now the neighbors are raising a stink. Honestly, Ann, isn't theater about vulnerability? If Ann Landers were onstage, she would make a clean breast of her life. Right?

ARTISTICALLY UNAFRAID

Ann Says: A writer after my own heart!!! You like to write in the nude, too!!! Listen, if you're interested, I can recommend some terrific bubble bath. Life hasn't been a bed of roses for me, and I do make a "clean breast of it" in this show, although my "Hermans" always remain undercover. So what you say about theater and vulnerability is very true. God bless and keep writing!

Dear Ann: Ann, please tell "Out of Ideas" that he isn't stretching his imagination if he feels there's nothing to a play about Ann Landers. Mercy sakes, there's the squabble with your sister, the column about your divorce, the stuff about you recycling your columns, your advocacy of masturbation. Ann, please tell your readers that they can always learn something if they take the time to invest in the lively arts.

THEATRICALLY PROUD

Ann Says: Thank you for your letter. My sentiments exactly!!! You are right on the money about investing in the lively arts. When an audience and performer communicate with one another, something magical happens. The relationship they share exists on that one night and one night only, for the next audience will have a different experience watching the same play. So, make sure you get yourself over to the History Theatre to see me and for heaven's sakes, bring some friends!!!! I care.

Graydon Royce • 612-673-7299