You just don’t know where to start with a story like this:
A woman put hot sauce in her adopted 7-year-old son's mouth not to punish the Russian boy for lying but to come up with sensational footage to get on the "Dr. Phil" self-help TV show, a prosecutor argued Monday.
Jessica Beagley, 36, recorded the punishment on Oct. 21, 2010 for a show segment titled "Mommy Confessions," said prosecutor Cynthia Franklin. The Anchorage woman faces misdemeanor child abuse charges stemming from the footage.
The eight-minute video shows Beagley confronting her son Kristoff about misbehaving in school and lying, and then pouring hot sauce into the crying child's mouth and not allowing him to spit it out for more than a minute. The footage also shows Beagley forcing the screaming boy into a cold shower before sending him off the bed.
You might be thinking it’s a peculiar parent who videotapes such things. You might be thinking it’s a peculiar TV show that expects people will document such things. Read on:
Franklin told the jury that it wasn't Beagley's first attempt to get on the "Dr. Phil" show.
She had seen a segment in April 2009 titled "Angry Moms" and contacted the show but heard nothing for a year and a half, Franklin said. The show eventually called to find out if Beagley was still angry, she said.
Hi, we’re from TV. Are you still angry? Great! Listen, there’s one teeeeensy little thing we need:
Beagley then submitted audition videos, but was told they needed to see more than just yelling at the children: They needed to see her actually punishing her son, the prosecutor said.
That's when Beagley got the flip-cam ready, made sure there was enough hot sauce on the shelf in the bathroom and recruited her 10-year-old daughter to shoot the video, Franklin said.
Days later, she was on her way to Los Angeles to be on the show, Franklin added.
I don’t know what to say, except that “flip-cam” is apparently a generic term like bandaid or kleenex or xerox, instead of a specific brand. But just because I don’t want to get letters from their lawyers, here: Band-Aid, Kleenex, and Xerox, all appropriately capitalized. The sternest trademark letter I ever received was from NECCO. They really want all those letters capitalized.
Kanye West says he feels like people look at him like Hitler.
The 34-year-old rapper known for his outbursts was the headline act at the Big Chill music festival Saturday night, where he ranted in the middle of his set about being misunderstood and underappreciated.
"I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I'm (expletive) insane, like I'm Hitler," he said. "One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did."
West received light boos from the crowd as a result. Yeah, that’s the historical judgment on Hitler. Misunderstood.
West closed his show on a positive note by paying tribute to Amy Winehouse.
West, who said he met the late singer a few years ago during Paris fashion week, played snippets of Winehouse's "Tears Dry On Their Own" and "Back to Black." He said it was "beautiful" to meet the performer and that she was "amazing."
Then, in Kanye fashion, he began to rant.
"Thank you for protecting your artists that are still here," he said to the crowd. "This is for McQueen, for Amy, for Michael and for all the media, can you lighten up on all your artists that are still here?" he asked, receiving a roaring cheer from the crowd and leaving the stage with his 3-man band and 20-something backup dancers.
McQueen? He means Alexander McQueen, the designer who took lots of drugs and hung himself. What Kayne means by asking the media to “lighten up on all your artists that are still here” is to say nice, complimentary things only, scurry over when called, and vanish when dismissed. And don’t judge! There’s nothing worse than being judgmental, you know. Not that he’s judging. That would be, you know, Hitlerian.
Miss all the hoohah over Trump running for president? Here’s the next reality show personality looking for publicity:
Former sitcom star Roseanne Barr says she’s running for president. Barr made the announcement during the taping of Thursday’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno. “I am running for President of the United States,” Barr said to cheers.
According to a Tonight Show insider, Barr then claimed, “I’m totally serious,” and explained, “‘Cause I want to be part of the debates, because I want to represent the tax payer. In fact, I’m choosing the tax payers as my vice president.”
Oh, Rosanne, I don’t care what they say. You’ve still got it. Of course, you can’t have a symbolic constructs as veep, but it’s still a knee-slapper.
If you’re wondering why she suddenly feels aggravated about taxes, it’s possible running a Hawaii nut farm opened her eyes. As she said last June:
"I understand a revolt by American taxpayers who are getting nothing for paying these huge taxes," said a now salt-and-pepper-haired Barr. "But the solution is for the American public to have some say in how public money is spent. I believe that public money needs to be spent on the American public, not these private contractors who Sarah Palin works for."
So she’s really, really thought these things through.
Yes, yes, of course. Planking is old. Coning is less old, but somewhat more obscure, and also stupider than planking. Coning consists of ordering a cone from a drive-through, then picking it up by grabbing the ice-cream part. Ha ha! Of course someone is shooting video, which goes up on the internet, so everyone can tell you’re part of the coning craze. When I first heard about this, I figured someone was spoofing stupid internet video trends, and it’s possible that was the intention; it just makes you look stupid. Perhaps the true joy is the look on the clerk’s faces, which seem to range from “You’re an idiot” to “what the heck? Also, you’re an idiot.”
Now Justin Bieber has joined the craze. Go here for the video. Keep watching past the initial conage, because he turns into a jerk. He tries to return a Wendy’s shake . . . to Burger King. (This is probably called Shaking.) The manager, who probably takes a year to make what Beebs hoovers in every 17 seconds just by existing, tries to explain to the young fellow that he has the wrong restaurant. Oh, he might have better things to do then appear as a punchline in a twitvid, but all the world’s a stage! Everyone’s a player!
Every generation has a stupid craze, if only to provide future generations something to laugh at. Flagpole sitting, for example. Goldfish swallowing. Cramming into phone booths. Cramming goldfish into phone booths. It’s up to the younger generation to invent these things, enjoy them for a while, wondering if it’s uncool to think the craze is stupid, then turn on them suddenly with unexpected furor while older generations snicker. If they notice at all.
Which brings us to planking. There’s something apt about this one: a passive posture of uncontested defeatism, done for no purpose except to take a picture and put it on the internet. Perhaps my planking picture will be picked up by a humorous-photo aggregator, and they will say I am Planking Like a Boss! Fine. Knock yourself out. Well, here to bring the planking craze to its inevitable close: Hugh Hefner, planking.
At least we hope he’s planking.
Money well spent:
Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband is saying happy anniversary in a big way. Frederic Von Anhalt has taken out a billboard on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles to celebrate the couple's 25th wedding anniversary. Beside the couple's wedding photo, it reads, "Prince Frederic & Princess Zsa Zsa 25 years and counting." It also includes Von Anhalt's website.
He said the billboard is an anniversary gift for his ailing 94-year-old wife, who smiled when she saw a picture of it on TV.
Von Anhalt said he spent his "life savings" on the $68,000 billboard, which will be up for one month.
"The billboard was very expensive," said the 68-year-old, who says he is a German prince. "I just put my life savings in it. I said forget about tomorrow. I want to do it today. I want to do it for her."
According to his own website, they’re out of money, and have to auction off everything - including the house - to make ends meet.
If he applies for public assistance, I think the state might have a case for saying “sorry.”