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Sheen fires back, claims to have defeated an earthworm

Posted by: James Lileks under Naughty Updated: February 25, 2011 - 9:02 AM

Some people may admire Charlie for livin’ the dream: tons of money, a hooker-house down the block so he can have his fun and not have to make conversation the next morning over breakfast, indulgent bosses, rehab at home, and a support staff of hangers-on and toadies quick to tell him that he’s the man. Well, the dream’s a bit tarnished today. The main contributing factor? Sheen is raving nuts:

Aviolence-tinged and anti-Semitic radio rant that helped push him over the edge and, finally, forced CBS and Warner Bros. Television to take action.

In a one-sentence joint statement Thursday, the companies said they were ending production on television's No. 1 sitcom for the season, a decision based on the "totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition."

Whether he's gone far enough to sink the series and, possibly, his career as one of TV's highest-paid actors remained unclear. Sheen's rambling interview Thursday with host Alex Jones was reminiscent of Mel Gibson's tirade during a 2006 traffic stop — but Sheen knew his remarks were public.

But it’s not over yet. You think this is over? It’s just beginning. After he found the sharpest crayon in the house, Sheen sat down and wrote a letter, possibly decorating the margins with stick-figure ninjas. Then he gave the letter to TMZ, knowing they would release it into the wild. It read in part:

What does this say about Haim Levine after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.

”Wind up in my octagon”? Wow. If that makes no sense to you, it’s because you're not as mentally evolved as Charlie Sheen, super-genius. He cured himself of his problems with sheer mental brilliance. He didn’t think he had any problems but he made them go away anyway. That’s a level of intelligence you cannot hope to understand. TMZ notes that the interview with conspiracy-enthusiast Alex Jones included these gems:

Referring to his rehab stint, Sheen claims to have embarrassed Lorre "in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process." 

 -- On Alcoholics Anonymous ... Sheen says it's a "bootleg cult" with a success rate of only 5%, while his is 100% and added, "Newsflash .. I am special and I will never be one of you."

 -- After one rant the host, Alex Jones, tells Charlie he sounds like Thomas Jefferson. Charlie's response, "I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p***y! But I dare anyone to debate me on things."

 -- On his drug and alcohol issues, "I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it ... with my mind."

AP notes that he had a softer side in the interview:

Speaking of himself, the star of the films "Platoon," "Wall Street" and "Major League" said he has "magic and poetry in my fingertips, most of the time."

 But he also made repeated, unclear references to mayhem. At one point, Sheen called himself the new sheriff in town who has an "army of assassins."

 "If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there's nothing that can be questioned," he said.

Uh huh. Yes, of course, Charlie. That’s deep. It’s so deep Thomas Jefferson would just stand there with his mouth hanging open. Deadline reminds us what movies he might be sitting in the dark watching every night:

Among ramblings about trolls, Bible grippers and Vatican assassins, one line stood out, a quote from Apocalypse Now: "You do have the right to kill me but do not have the right to judge me."

Sorry, Charlie. You have that backwards. I know we’re supposed to think it’s wrong to judge someone, because that would be, well, judgmental. Or at least we’re supposed to make sad tut-tut faces about your disease.  But everyone’s judging you now. Including the people who produce movies and have to take out completion bonds to ensure no one loses all their money when the star of “Major League 4” is arrested for being naked on a hotel balcony with a chain saw, screaming that he can carve planets up with his mind.

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