Chris Riemenschneider: Please, please, please don't ask for these

The last time I asked for anything off a list of "hot holiday gift items" was back when my meager cooking abilities still limited my diet to Steak-Umms and Totino's Party Pizzas. So imagine the hook, line and sinker effect all those ads for the revolutionary, new, easy-to-use George Foreman Grill had on me.

Three or four dry, flavorless hamburgers later, I learned my lesson(s): Basic cooking skills are an underrated art form, and the holidays are for suckers.

After browsing lists of this year's most popular gift ideas, all the hype and hoopla has me feeling as queasy as Big George at the end of the Rumble in the Jungle (which, come to think of it, might've been where the guy lost his taste buds). Here's my own list of the big-ticket items I would urge you to avoid buying in this most wonderful shopping season, starting with things that young kids or teens might ask for...

•Zhu Zhu Pets. These fuzzy, faux electronic hamsters are shaping up to be this year's Cabbage Patch Kids, but with one key difference: No one really expected 7-year-olds in 1983 to know how to raise babies grown out of the ground. If kids nowadays don't have what it takes to take care of real hamsters -- including the life lessons that come from either the animals' inevitable death or their multiplying a month or two later -- we really are in big trouble.

•G.I. Joe or Transformers toys. The evil, destructive machines that young boys should really fear are the Hollywood studios that poured so much money into two of this year's worst movies -- money that they're now trying to make back through mass-merchandising. Too bad they didn't create action figures for "The Hangover," "Drag Me to Hell" or "Anvil," movies I can get behind.

•50th-anniversary edition Barbie dolls. This might be the one case where we should follow Hollywood's lead -- the one about not supporting women over 49.

•Abercrombie & Fitch attire: Stop air and noise pollution in malls. Whether you remember Drakkar Noir as a bad cologne or a bad Danish dance duo from the '80s, either way A&F pumps out way too much of it from its doorways.

•The new Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert or Shakira CDs. Never mind that these singers -- all of whom dropped new albums last week -- are flagrantly more about image than talent. The real reason not to buy these CDs for your kids is that they're liable to ask you, "What's a CD?"

And for adults ...

•iAnything. I'm on my fourth iPod in six years, three of which broke down through no fault of my own (although my second one suspiciously went kaput right after I downloaded Gordon Lightfoot's "Sundown" on a guilty-pleasure whim; was my iPod telling me something?).

Even when they worked, my iPods plagued me with glitches and "Upload the latest iTunes" alerts. This must stop! It will stop! Bring down the monopoly!

Or at least wait a few months to see if those new Droid devices are still around.

•Wii game systems, newly priced at $199. Please note the headline above that reads, "For adults."

•eReader/eBook items. Small print can be bad for your eyesight. More important to me, it can also be quite a detriment to your driving skills.

•This year's TV Land-worthy DVD box sets. Two of the top nostalgic offerings are "Hogan's Heroes: The Komplete Series, Kommandant's Kollection" and "Beverly Hills, 90210: Season Eight." Three decades later, can we agree that a sitcom about Nazi camps was in poor taste? Or at least let's not put it in a box set with three capital K's in the title.

Surely a decade later, "90210" fans can admit the show should have been put out to pasture well before the eighth go-round -- even with future Oscar winner Hilary Swank joining the cast, as big a boost in the thespian department as Luke Perry's departure.

•Any kind of gift card that isn't via e-mail. No, I'm not trying to save the planet by ridding it of millions of small plastic cards. I'm still looking for the Home Depot card I put in a drawer somewhere last Christmas.

•World peace. It would spoil all the fun of this year's hottest video game, "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2." Come on, people, have a heart and let gamers get their kicks.

chrisr@startribune.com • 612-673-4658