Colin Covert's Alternative Academy Awards

  • Article by: COLIN COVERT , Star Tribune
  • Updated: February 28, 2014 - 4:40 PM

Barkhad Abdi, in “Captain Phillips," had the best ad-lib: “Look at me. Look at me. I’m the captain now!”

Photo: Columbia Pictures,

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We’re sure it’s just an oversight, but some of the more memorable moments in movies last year occurred in categories not recognized by the Academy. There should be a forum that recognizes impressive accomplishments like Leo DiCaprio’s absurd party dancing in “The Wolf of Wall Street,” where he becomes a one-man flash mob. Or the best re-teaming of the year (Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy, “Before Midnight”) and the worst (Sly and Arnold, “Escape Plan”). A place where the overlooked are saluted and the undeserving are scorned. An alternative awards roll call that goes a little something like this.

Best unexpected performance by an actor: Andrew Dice Clay, whose touching, beautifully nuanced portrait of a good-hearted roughneck in “Blue Jasmine” erased all bad memories of his earlier days as a loudmouth shock comic.


Best cameo in a movie full of cameos: Vince Vaughn’s bad-ass motorcycle scene in “Anchorman 2.” “You made one mistake today. You messed with somebody from San Diego.”


Outstanding achievement in putting a nonsensical ending in a serious film: “August: Osage County,” which tacked a cheerful coda on a domestic tragedy.


Best movie almost nobody saw because it sounded dull: “Wadjda,” an insanely endearing Saudi Arabian comedy about a girl who wants a bike.


Best ad-lib: “Look at me. Look at me. I’m the captain now!” Barkhad Abdi, “Captain Phillips.”


Best unsupported actress: A tie between bouncy Jennifer Lawrence and sternum-baring Amy Adams, “American Hustle.”


Optimus Prime Transformers best makeover award: Jared Leto ditched his facial hair, eyebrows and 40 pounds, added press-on nails, a wig and heels to play a transgender woman in “Dallas Buyers Club.”


Best fight scene: Any of the exciting/funny skirmishes between tubby but agile Nick Frost and the hordes of alien humanoids in “The World’s End.” That, friends, is martial art. Worst: “Man of Steel,” with Superman wrecking Metropolis and betraying his code of honor by killing his nemesis, General Zod. He’s the good guy, remember?


Golden Yo-Yo award for lifetime achievement in role-related weight change: Christian Bale, who has flipped from buff (“American Psycho”) to emaciated (“The Machinist”) to jacked (as Batman) to malnourished (“Rescue Dawn”) to jacked again (as Batman again) to crackhead skinny (“The Fighter”) to pot-bellied and portly (“American Hustle”) as easily as changing his socks.

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