Charlotte Sullivan: An unavoidable truth

We've heard a lot about how homosexuals are seeking to destroy the sanctity of marriage. We've heard a lot about Sen. Larry Craig's shocking bathroom behavior. But the real scandal, the true destroyer of families, is the conservative cultural movement, of which Craig is a part, and which shames homosexual people out of admitting to the orientation they did not choose and cannot change. If that last phrase seems problematic -- that gay orientation can't be "healed" or "rehabilitated" -- then I gently ask you to please read on. I used to believe as you do.

True, a married man seeking sex in a bathroom is a disturbing situation any way you cut it. Even more disturbing, though, is a climate that so ostracizes gay people that a grown man is unable to admit even to himself that he is probably gay even when he exhibits gay behavior (attraction to men, not cruising bathrooms). But are his denials really so surprising? People who believe homosexuality is a choice, and a perverse one, would naturally have a difficult time believing that they themselves could ever be gay despite the obvious evidence. I should know.

It took this church girl more than three decades and six years of marriage to a wonderful man to finally realize that what I was feeling was simply a part of who I am. I did not choose it. I was not recruited. I was not promiscuous. I did not hate men. I did not cheat. I did not wear flannel and boots and shave my head. Years of lies, religious restraints and bigoted stereotypes kept me from seeing what was right in front of me all the time: I am a lesbian. Only the demise of a peaceful marriage finally forced this preacher's kid to own up. The price of facing this so late in my life was a great deal of pain and disruption for me and my family.

So -- whose values are interfering with whose lives? And whose marriages are at risk?

Fear has always been the food of bigotry. Not long ago the popular American boogey monster was the mythical oversexed black man, ever ready to attack and rape white women. The fear of blacks rising up and changing white culture and economic dominance fueled all manner of atrocities -- atrocities that were promoted by white churches, defended through scripture and legalized in this country of freedom. The secret to perpetuating bigotry is to make those in positions of power and privilege believe they are the ones under attack. However, it was black women who were legally raped by white men who "owned" them. It was hundreds of black men who were publicly mutilated and butchered with impunity by white mobs for allegedly looking at white women. Bigotry turns the perpetrators of violence and discrimination into the victims themselves, in their own minds. Sound familiar?

Some bristle at the comparison of our shameful racist history with the current "gay debate." At the heart of this resistance, I believe, is a conviction that at some level homosexuality is chosen. To this I offer the testimony of myself and every gay friend I've ever had. Every one of us at some point has tried to ignore or fight our natural feelings. Every one of us has finally realized that we love most naturally people of our same gender -- in the same way straight people naturally find themselves drawn to those of the opposite sex.

Second, at the heart of the resistance to the race/orientation comparison lies the familiar paranoia of those already in power. "The sanctity of your marriage is under attack," I have heard some of my religious friends say. Yet, straight couples enjoy every privilege of legal marriage available. It is gay couples living in committed relationships, sometimes with children, who are denied equal status and the "special rights" of marriage benefits. It is gay people who find themselves pressured into reconditioning their brains and bodies so they can at least live the appearance of a straight lifestyle, no matter how much this puts their marriages at risk for a compromised intimacy and a greater temptation to cheat. Some churches make it clear that simply being a homosexual or daring to fall in love as a gay person is a horrid perversity. The option is to remove yourself from your religious community or to seek to destroy one of the most integral parts of yourself.

Is such self-violence truly a religious virtue? Gay people who then marry can choose to remain faithful, as I did. We can live out those "family values." The cost, though, is tremendous: Being unable to truly connect emotionally and sexually with the most important person in your life is devastating for both partners. And this pretending and suffering help marriages and children how? If this is "defending marriage," then I must ask: What kind of marriage?

Sen. Craig was a part of the very conservative culture that promotes views of homosexuals as sex-crazed pedophiles, recruiters and dangerous people seeking to destroy our children and culture. The truth is that people like Craig, and people like me, are human. We are as likely to behave in a good or bad manner as any straight person. We are not an abstract issue or condition. But we have grown up with such foul images of ourselves that some of us can look in the mirror day after day and not see ourselves for who we truly are. We can know for years that we are attracted to certain people of our own gender, but when we don't see that boogey monster in the glass, we think, "How could I possibly be gay? I'm not a monster." The conservative religious rhetoric against homosexual people -- against me -- does far more than destroy marriages. It destroys people.

As the daughter and granddaughter of preachers and missionaries, I cannot write off the religious right as insane heartless fanatics, no matter how much I disagree with their ideas. I have known and loved these people all my life. They have supported me in countless ways. And I can honestly say, to take a page out of their book, that I love homophobes, but I hate, hate, hate their lies.

These lies drive people from religion. They empower normally loving, selfless people to promote the legalization of bigotry rather than fighting the true crimes: poverty, sexual and domestic abuse, fraud, racism, genocide -- and the list goes on. What is the church actively doing to protect children from heterosexual, married, Christian fathers who abuse and rape them? To stop children from starving or dying of AIDS? Do you see the paradox? The energy thrown into fighting the "gay menace" distracts us from the real battles worth waging. And in the meantime, the attack on gays hurts so many of us in such deeply personal ways.

Similar to Sen. Craig, I could not live or speak freely regarding my orientation without the fear of scandal and immediate dismissal from my job at a religious institution. So, I've resigned, too. Only I won't -- can't -- take it back. No matter how much I loved that job and the people with whom I worked. I've lost a marriage, a house, privileged status, the hope of a traditional family and marriage rights; I've disappointed and hurt my loving family; I've made my friends and grandmother cry. But I'm finally free to speak.

It's been a hell of a journey to get to the place where I could write this. And to be honest, I'm a bit terrified it might get printed. But my fear is unimportant compared to the value of speaking against the lies of this cruel, discriminatory movement.

But the really amazing thing? In spite of all the pain and upheaval I've experienced this past year, I've never felt freer in my life. I finally know who I am. I am not ashamed. And, oddly, I feel born again.

It's kind of like that one guy said: "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."

Charlotte Sullivan, Minneapolis, teaches college English.