We’re sure it’s just an oversight, but some of the more memorable moments in movies last year occurred in categories not recognized by the Academy. There should be a forum that recognizes impressive accomplishments like Leo DiCaprio’s absurd party dancing in “The Wolf of Wall Street,” where he becomes a one-man flash mob. Or the best re-teaming of the year (Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy, “Before Midnight”) and the worst (Sly and Arnold, “Escape Plan”). A place where the overlooked are saluted and the undeserving are scorned. An alternative awards roll call that goes a little something like this.
Best unexpected performance by an actor: Andrew Dice Clay, whose touching, beautifully nuanced portrait of a good-hearted roughneck in “Blue Jasmine” erased all bad memories of his earlier days as a loudmouth shock comic.
Best cameo in a movie full of cameos: Vince Vaughn’s bad-ass motorcycle scene in “Anchorman 2.” “You made one mistake today. You messed with somebody from San Diego.”
Outstanding achievement in putting a nonsensical ending in a serious film: “August: Osage County,” which tacked a cheerful coda on a domestic tragedy.
Best movie almost nobody saw because it sounded dull: “Wadjda,” an insanely endearing Saudi Arabian comedy about a girl who wants a bike.
Best ad-lib: “Look at me. Look at me. I’m the captain now!” Barkhad Abdi, “Captain Phillips.”
Best unsupported actress: A tie between bouncy Jennifer Lawrence and sternum-baring Amy Adams, “American Hustle.”
Optimus Prime Transformers best makeover award: Jared Leto ditched his facial hair, eyebrows and 40 pounds, added press-on nails, a wig and heels to play a transgender woman in “Dallas Buyers Club.”
Best fight scene: Any of the exciting/funny skirmishes between tubby but agile Nick Frost and the hordes of alien humanoids in “The World’s End.” That, friends, is martial art. Worst: “Man of Steel,” with Superman wrecking Metropolis and betraying his code of honor by killing his nemesis, General Zod. He’s the good guy, remember?
Golden Yo-Yo award for lifetime achievement in role-related weight change: Christian Bale, who has flipped from buff (“American Psycho”) to emaciated (“The Machinist”) to jacked (as Batman) to malnourished (“Rescue Dawn”) to jacked again (as Batman again) to crackhead skinny (“The Fighter”) to pot-bellied and portly (“American Hustle”) as easily as changing his socks.
Worst movie by a terrific ensemble: “The Counselor,” in which Michael Fassbender, Brad Pitt, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz die painful, lingering deaths inflicted by Cormac McCarthy’s turgid existential screenwriting.
Most gratuitous skin-showing, quantity and quality division: Every third scene in “The Wolf of Wall Street,” where it’s part of the story, after all.
Modest but still unwarranted division: Sandra Bullock’s fetching but non-regulation astronaut skivvies in “Gravity,” where underwear scenes are irrelevant to the tale.
Best movie about real-life stupid criminals: “The Bling Ring,” starring Emma Watson as a deeply vapid member of a Beverly Hills teen burglary ring.
Worst movie about real-life stupid criminals: “Pain and Gain,” which played corpse-dismemberment for laughs.
Back to the Future award for best retro trend in cinematography: The expressive use of black-and-white in “Much Ado About Nothing,” “Frances Ha” and “Nebraska.”
Best use of James Franco: He was delightful in “Oz the Great and Powerful,” but breathtaking as Alien, a blinged-out, gold-toothed Scarface wannabe in “Spring Breakers.” Worst: Impersonating Hugh Hefner unconvincingly in “Lovelace.”
Best accent: Cate Blanchett’s flawless Park Avenue purr in “Blue Jasmine.” Worst: Tom Hanks’ Baaaaaahsten squawk in “Captain Phillips.”
Just Say No to drugs award: “The Wolf of Wall Street’s” awful-uproarious Quaalude bender. Runner-up: “The Spectacular Now’s” honest/rueful depiction of teen alcoholism.
Best performance in a terrible movie: Kristin Scott Thomas as Ryan Gosling’s domineering New Jersey Mafia matriarch mama in “Only God Forgives.”
Best movies that didn’t make a dent at the Oscars: The stunning Robert Redford alone-at-sea drama “All Is Lost,” the Coen brothers’ sublime “Inside Llewyn Davis” and the riveting Hugh Jackman/Jake Gyllenhaal kidnap thriller “Prisoners.”
Puzzle of the year: How did the sublime “Inside Llewyn Davis” cop just two measly two nominations, the same number as “The Lone Ranger”? Oscar voters, show your math!