Dear Amy: During the holidays, my fiancé and I attended a party. A friend’s husband was overly flirty, and during the typical polite hug goodbye, he grabbed my chin and planted a kiss on my lips. I shoved him away, said a few choice words and left quietly. I didn’t want to cause a scene.
My fiancé and I are getting married this summer, and we don’t want this man at our wedding. I feel disrespected, and I don’t trust that he won’t do something else inappropriate — to me or a guest.
I know I missed the opportunity of letting my friend know what happened, but I was afraid to approach her. Do you have any suggestions?
Amy says: As your friend’s husband, this man would normally be included in a wedding invitation. But in this case, you should consider inviting her, but letting her know that due to her husband’s behavior at this holiday party, he is not welcome. You can then expect her to decline your invitation.
This requires you to do all of the things now that you avoided previously: offering an honest account of your experience, and explaining the consequence.
This might be painful for your friend to hear. She might double down, defend her guy’s actions, downplay the impact on you and back away from your kinship. However, she has a right to know how her husband behaved and how it has affected you (and now, her). This might be a wake-up call; if cocktails fueled this behavior, he should reconsider his intake.
In-laws feel like outlaws
Dear Amy: I have a friend group of five women. Together, we have 10 married sons. We all enjoyed close relationships with our sons. Once they got married, all of us have endured various amounts of exclusion, rudeness and isolation. One friend has never even been allowed to see one of her son’s children.
We don’t sit around and bad-mouth our daughters-in-law, but we do support and offer opinions as issues come up. We would all love to have these women closer to us, but instead, we seem to lose our sons.
I’m very confused about why so many of that generation are so uncaring to their in-laws. We treated our in-laws with gratitude for raising the men we ended up marrying. What do you think?
Amy says: This dynamic seems to crop up even before the wedding, when grooms become marginalized.
Then, in most families, women still assume the bulk of the work of household and parenting.
Naturally, these women who run the household are more oriented toward their own parents than their partner’s.
Some of this dynamic will change as men step up and assume more of a role at home. Until that happens, parents of sons should ask them to be more proactive about evening out family time.
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