Dear Amy: I am in a long-distance relationship with a man I met in school.
After graduation, he had to return to his country of origin because he could not get a work visa.
He is unhappy with his work, and wants to quit, move here, marry me and work on getting his visa while I support him.
The problem is that I have two kids and a low-paying job (I’m an intern at a mental health agency). I can’t support him, and he can’t work here without a visa.
I’m content to have each of us work at our respective careers until I can support him financially, or he reaches a point in his career that he can get a visa.
He tells me that he doesn’t know how much longer he can live with this situation. Is it reasonable that I don’t want to jeopardize my financial and career future when it feels like I might be enabling him to commit career suicide?
He has said that he might have to look for jobs in other countries, etc., and I understand and support this. The way I see it, if he gets a job in his chosen career path, it will make him more employable anywhere, including where I live.
I don’t want to be unsupportive, but I have finances and children to consider.
Does this sound reasonable?
Amy says: Yep. Your guy seems to be dangling the prospect of him moving here and entering into a convenient marriage while you support him as if it were a shiny bauble, instead of a very heavy lift. Your reaction and plan of action is prudent, reasonable and responsible. Stick with it.
Mending fences, friendships
Dear Amy: My husband and I were best friends with a couple who questioned something my husband did, and felt strongly about it. The friendship ended.
The husband of this couple has e-mailed us occasionally. My husband always replies. I have written requesting that we get together for dinner.
I don’t expect anyone to say they are sorry, but that we should all just be gracious and resume our lost connection.
My husband also requested a get-together. They responded this would be a good idea after the holidays. Summer is almost here, with no results. My heart doesn’t want to give up, but how much can you push to pursue the past?
Amy says: It’s hard to tell from your question, but I assume that whatever your husband did, he was at fault and the friendship was damaged as a result. Their cordial contact is a sign that they don’t want to erase their affiliation, but they might be waiting to commit to a renewed friendship.
Your idea that no one should apologize for anything is wrongheaded. You want everyone to be “gracious.” Well, you’ve got graciousness. You won’t have intimacy until your husband admits, apologizes and attempts to clear the air.
Stop pushing to get together and work on your relationship from a distance.
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