Dear Amy: I'm in love with my best friend's fiancée, and I'm set to be a groomsman at their wedding.
I met the bride in college. We worked together. After months of office flirting, we spent a night together. I told her how I felt, and she reciprocated. However, the next day I got a "can we act like that didn't happen and just be friends" text. I respected her request.
Many months later, we met our new co-worker. He and I became good friends. A year in, they started seeing each other. I never told him or anyone how I felt about her. I didn't want to admit I was still holding onto one night from several years ago.
I moved away to distance myself from the relationship, but remained friends to both. After years of turning down potential partners, I decided I deserved to be happy. I dated a woman for four years, and while I loved her very much, it never matched what I feel for the bride.
So, here I am, seven years into this ridiculous infatuation. The groom is like a brother to me and I think they're great together. I have no delusions about a future with her. I just want to be able to move on.
Can I gain closure without coming clean to the bride or groom? Because I fear to do so would end both relationships completely.
Amy says: This is basically the plot from "Four Weddings and a Funeral," but I assume the outcome would be different, because life is not always like a movie. When you ponder the concept of "coming clean," you have to also ask yourself: "What good would it do?" The answer is "none."
One way to gain closure would be for you to witness the wedding, and make a conscious choice to finally close the book on your infatuation. You've been moving toward this for several years, and you have largely been successful.
Continue to generously grant your friendship, and continue to keep your distance, because this seems to work for you.
Moves getting old
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We've lived in three states for his job. Each new job helps him build his résumé and increase his salary. I am a teacher, and have easily found jobs at each location.
He is being considered for yet another job across the country. Although he makes significantly more than I do, each move puts me at the bottom rung of the ladder at my new school, and impacts my retirement savings. I have had to put off getting my master's degree.
I love my husband very much, but I'm tired of feeling like my career and education should take a back seat because his earning potential is higher.
He understands and has offered to not accept the job, but I know he will resent me if I tell him I don't want to move.
I am a very easygoing person in general, but I find myself getting angrier each time we discuss this move. Please help!
Amy says: You are not responsible for your husband's (possible) resentment. He's not responsible for your anger.
You should be equal partners, regardless of your income. However, there are practical considerations for both to consider.
Do not put off your education in anticipation of a possible move and then blame him. You should pursue your schooling.
If you don't want to move again, then assert yourself. Treat this like a negotiation between equal parties, with both agreeing to accept the result. You've modeled a great attitude during your moves, and now it might be your husband's turn to buck up.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@ amydickinson.com.